


Tempest

by MsNJS



Category: Spartacus Series (TV), Spartacus: Vengeance, Spartacus: War of the Damned
Genre: Adultery, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-03
Updated: 2013-03-20
Packaged: 2017-11-23 14:14:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 28,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/623066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MsNJS/pseuds/MsNJS
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>And the fic gods said ‘let their be angst, hurt and drama!’</p><p>I've been sitting on this for months, kind of nervous to post it....I had a vision of this (specifically the prologue) and I had to write it. You may not like me much but I had to do it! Plus there is heaps upon heaps of fluff in the Nagron universe. It’s great but I’m not really a fluffy person so I wanted to give you something a little different and a little out of the Nagron comfort zone…</p><p> </p><p>Pre-Readers Albicocca and Marcelareads</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> And the fic gods said ‘let their be angst, hurt and drama!’
> 
> I've been sitting on this for months, kind of nervous to post it....I had a vision of this (specifically the prologue) and I had to write it. You may not like me much but I had to do it! Plus there is heaps upon heaps of fluff in the Nagron universe. It’s great but I’m not really a fluffy person so I wanted to give you something a little different and a little out of the Nagron comfort zone…
> 
>  
> 
> Pre-Readers Albicocca and Marcelareads

_Nasir’s eyes clasped shut as he was breached. The thin tissue provided the only comfort in his actions. The darkness let him separate from actuality. It took a while to adjust. He hissed with each short stroke, only a few inches were initially allowed. It wasn’t the size of the cock, it was him. He was resisting the thing he **thought** he wanted. The burn shot through his body tipping the balance of pleasure and pain. But both were welcomed because he needed to feel something—something other than despondency. He breathed deeply and tried to relax…. After some time his muscles pushed out allowing him to be completely entered. He gasped at the intrusion but breathed through the ache._

_The pace began to quicken, before he was ready but Nasir didn’t slow him down. The sooner it was over the better. Interloping hands ran over his skin. They hooked on to his shoulders, seized locks of his hair and pushed his legs back as he was fucked. They felt dull and grasping like they were not touching him for him. They traced his body eagerly, delighting in what was not theirs._

_The created heat was thick and seemed to congregate around them instead of dispersing into the room. It was not the warmth and comfort Nasir usually felt. He felt smothered under it. Pants echoed against the walls accompanied by the steady sound of perspired skin colliding. Uncontrollably, Nasir’s hips pivoted down toward the jutting cock and he clutched his sides. His body was desperate. It wanted to be ravaged and sated. It had been months since…._

_Breath entered his mouth and he quickly turned away. The inevitable kiss was redirected to land on his neck instead._

_‘So good’ and ‘fucking hot’ was whispered in his ear but Nasir said nothing. He even withheld the sounds of his pleasure, the moans and words that usually flowed freely with pride. He would not grant them to himself and especially not to him. The thrusts increased in sped and force, with little thought but to find an end. Grunts punctuated the last few strokes and he came._

_Nasir grabbed his cock and jerked furiously, almost painfully, quickly capitalizing on the built pressure inside him. He soon spurted cum over his chest. He came hard but quietly. Bated breaths were all he offered. He lay for some time under the weight until he could no longer ignore the feel of a watch upon him. With dread he opened his eyes to a gaze. But they were not the playful caring green eyes he knew, not the ones he loved—the ones that held him in the center. These eyes did not need him, challenge him, depend on him, trust him or smile because of him. These orbs had no depth and could not connect with his soul. They looked at him, not inside. These eyes did not love him._

_Nasir’s breath caught sharply in his throat almost choking him._

_He was **not** Agron. What had Nasir done?_


	2. Ruminate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The quiet before the storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: Albicocca

Nasir had been sitting on the couch for nearly three hours. He hadn’t move. He hadn’t eaten. He hadn’t slept. He couldn’t think of anything but that night. That stupid fucking mistake that made him tense at Agron’s craved touch; that made him hesitantly return an assured ‘I love you’; that made him shy away from Agron’s green gaze. It made him avoid even simple conversation since he and Agron had reconciled because he knew he could break at any moment.

  
It had been a couple of weeks since they had begun to fix their relationship. Agron finally let go of the anger, jealousy and disappointment that he had carried for months—feelings that he unjustly turned on Nasir, driving them apart.

  
Nasir had begun sleeping on the couch—even before _it_ happened. He could no longer stand the tension between them. The senseless heated fights that ruptured between them instead of talking or sleeping it off and then fucking till forgiveness and irrelevance took hold in the morning.

  
Agron came to him one night. ‘I miss you,’ was all he whispered in the dark. Nasir did not know what happened, what finally showed Agron what was happening to them, and he did not ask. They didn’t speak at all. Nasir reached out to him and stroked the side of his face. His finger traced his most favorite part of Agron’s face, the deep curved indentations that had lain dormant for months. Nasir nodded and Agron sighed heavily like he had been holding his breath for hours. The beautiful grooves slightly revealed themselves before Agron kissed his fingers, the palm of his hand, his forearm and then his lips. Agron slide his large body behind Nasir on their couch. It usually wasn’t wide enough for them both but that night they somehow fit perfectly. Agron wrapped his arms around Nasir and breathed deeply pushing the last weight of frustration and isolation from his mind. He soon fell asleep, relieved and comforted.

  
But Nasir stayed wide awake. He wanted that moment with Agron. He wanted to feel that strong, warm embrace and the fingers in his hair and the breath on his neck, so he didn’t tell him right then. He couldn’t. Not telling him that night turned into not telling him the next day. Not telling him the day after became not telling him the next day, or the next day or the next…

But Agron saw it in Nasir. He saw that something wasn’t quite right; he just didn’t know what it was. He noticed Nasir was quiet and reserve around him. He realized they still had not made love since that night on the sofa and however long before that.

  
Weeks of hiding and lying to Agron took its toll on Nasir, seeing those green eyes blindly restore the love but grow confusion at Nasir’s disconnection tore him apart. Lying when asked if ‘everything was alright?’, ‘they were really okay?’. ‘Yes!’ He would answer in a forged high spirited voice, he even managed a smile. But no, it wasn’t alright and it won’t be until he told him….

+

  
Agron was humming some song as he kicked the door behind him. All the lights were off so he didn’t even see Nasir on the couch. Nasir didn’t reveal himself either; his nerves wouldn’t allow him to speak. Agron walked right past him and into the kitchen. He rummaged in the fridge for something and then turned on the kitchen light.

  
He jumped when he saw Nasir sitting on the couch. “Christ Nasir! Why are you in the dark?”

  
Nasir didn’t reply.

  
“What happened to you tonight? We were looking for you. We were supposed to watch the game at Mira’s, remember? I called you like four times!”

  
Agron came over to the couch with a Gatorade in hand. “Crixus was a plank. I don’t know why we even invite him to shit.” He toed of his shoes and sat next to Nasir, who still did not look at him. “Mira had to kiss Saxa because her team lost. It was funny. She acts like she doesn’t want it but she does!” Agron grinned. “I only had one beer, nothing serious.” He reported proudly.

  
He took of his jacket and then snuggled up close to Nasir. As he wrapped his arms around him he felt his body tighten. Agron pulled from him quickly.

“What’s wrong?”

Nasir closed his eyes and shook his head. Agron stared at him in disbelief.

“Nasir, why are you lying to me? Something must be wrong…. Every time I look at you or try to touch you… you like flinch!”

Nasir still remained quiet.

Agron sighed frustratingly. “I thought we were better and you forgave me…”

“I did.” Nasir said solemnly.

“Then why aren’t you acting like it?!” He reached for Nasir’s face but Nasir pulled away. “If I did something else, if something’s wrong, just fucking tell me. I’ll fix it or work on it or…. (He huffed) Nasir, I lov…”

“Stop!” Nasir yelled. Agron winced and his jaw dropped a little, taken aback by the outburst.

He needed Agron to stop talking. Every word was a new stitch of pain and another brick on his conscience. He couldn’t stand it. Every time Agron smiled at him, gave him a caring touch, or said I love you it hurt. It hurt because he was hurting Agron, even though he didn’t know it. He couldn’t keep lying but he didn’t think he could face him. This would destroy him, destroy them.

“Just stop,” he said again, quiet and heavy. He stood up to walk away, but Agron grabbed his hand.

“Nasir?” Agron ask worriedly. His eyebrows furrowed, etching the fear and confusion on his handsome face. Nasir pulled his hand from his grasp. Agron shot up and caught Nasir’s arm again. He turned Nasir around to him.

Nasir’s dark eyes were watery and pained. Agron cupped his face in his large hands, staring anxiously into his eyes. His thumb stroked Nasir’s chin softly trying to comfort this unknown hurt. Nasir stared back at him, for the first time in months he faced Agron. The depth of the love and trust in his green eyes forced Nasir to confess.

“I cheated on you.” He whispered.


	3. Confess

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rain, Hail, Thunder and Lightening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: Albicocca

Agron froze, the color drained from his skin and everything in him literally seemed to stop. 

He coughed out air like the four words gut punched him; a wrecking ball, forcing the air from his lungs and scrambling his brain. His eyes widened and hollowed. He didn’t say anything, he just blanked.

The silence was deafening—loud and buzzing in Nasir’s ears like clanging brass. He could hear his blood pumping and rushing through his body. His chest heaved as the act of breathing became unbearable. His eyes focus on the picture of him and Agron lying in the grass. Nasir was turned to Agron, his arm hooked under Agron’s and trying to cover his face. Agron faced the camera and sun. He was squinting but you could still see the beautiful sea green of his eyes piercing through chestnut eyelashes and smiling. Nasir was never fond of that picture, or any pictures of himself, but now it looked like the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. They were happy and unbreakable in that picture. There probably wouldn’t be another like it. 

“What?” he finally said in a whisper, so low that Nasir wasn’t even sure he had spoken. 

Nasir said nothing. He didn’t look at him, he couldn’t.

“Y...you what?” Agron asked slowly, his eyes narrowed and he shook his head as if to clear the contents. 

Nasir remained silent. It felt like a vice had seized his heart, his chest tightened with the strain to keep it beating and he couldn’t speak. All he could think of, all he could hear was breath—a desperate conscious effort to keep inhaling and exhaling from them both. 

“FUCKING SAY SOMETHING!” Agron yelled, shattering the silence and startling Nasir.

“I…” he started but the words and his nerves caught in his throat. They lumped together and choked the bit of air that escaped him to breathe. He tried to swallow, but it only made the lump thicken. 

“WHO?!” Agron shouted, springing from the couch as if what Nasir said finally registered. 

Nasir gulped and blinked repeatedly trying to fight the tears welling in his eyes. “It doesn’t matter.”

“FUCK!” Agron yelled, pacing in a quick circle before kicking the coffee table over like it was cardboard. “FUCK, NASIR! TELL ME!” 

Nasir just stared at the floor.

“Who’ve you been fucking!?”

“I haven’t been fucking!” Nasir answered louder than he had the right to, but he wanted Agron to hear him. “It was once... just…I was…” Nasir sighed. He didn’t know what to say. What could he say?

A tear fell down Nasir’s face and ignited Agron. 

Agron swooped down to him and seized his arms.  
“DON’T! DON’T YOU FUCKING CRY!!” Agron yelled at him with wet eyes. His fingers dug into Nasir’s arms, pressing deep into his flesh. His rage concentrated in his hands on Nasir. His body and words reacted instinctually on his fury but his eyes reflected the hurt. Nasir was little more than a blur in front of him, shrouded in a red haze; a faint image running through his mind with images of Nasir touching, kissing and fucking another man. It made him feel sick. 

“I’m sorry! I don’t know ho...I lov…”  
“DON’T YOU FUCKING SAY IT!” Agron yelled, tightening his grip on Nasir.

Nasir turned his head from him, unable to bear the dark, broken look in his eyes. The fire, passion and strength that blazed in his eyes for Nasir was snuffed out 

“YOU FUCKING….! DON’T YOU DARE!” He continued in a cracked voice, each sentence punctuated with a violent shake that made Nasir’s head jerk back.

Nasir sobbed but he didn’t speak. He didn’t even tell Agron that he was hurting him. He deserved whatever Agron felt he needed to do….

Agron shifted and Nasir winced. Agron’s eyes cleared for a brief moment. He looked at Nasir and then down at his hands, white knuckled and seizing Nasir. He released him. Agron quickly stood up and stepped back from Nasir as if he could no longer stand being near him. 

Nasir kept his head down. 

He knew the pain he would cause when he entered Michael’s house that day but selfishness and loneliness overruled the consequences at that moment.

But now the consequence literally stood before him, manifested in the pain of the man he truly loved. The man, whose heart he could feel breaking with his confession. 

“Who?” Agron asked again, quieter.

Nasir didn’t reply.

“Nasir!”

“Michael.” Nasir said, still unable to look at him but sensing another wave of anger wash over Agron.

“Michael?!” Agron spat out. “Michael? YOU FUCKED MICHEAL?! …That fucking… (Agron inhaled sharply.)… you know he probably just fuck you because of me right!?”

Nasir didn’t respond.

“Congratulations! You’re another fucking notch, stupid fuck!” Agron stared a Nasir shocked and disgusted. Nasir just sat there with his head down. Agron could see the guilt and shame weighing on him. He didn’t even look like Nasir. His Nasir was not there.

“Fuck this!” Agron said after a while. He grabbed his keys and left. 

Nasir flinched when the door slammed. His heart was already chasing after Agron but his mind and body were paralyzed. As much as he wanted to, he couldn’t do anything for Agron right now. Nasir picked up his phone and scrolled to Duro’s name. 

‘Find him, help him.’


	4. React

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta: Albicocca

Nasir was startled by the door slamming.

Besides going to the restroom, he hadn’t moved from the couch. He just laid there curling into himself, hoping that if he balled tight enough he could stop aching. He hadn’t moved and he definitely hadn’t slept. 

“Agron?” He asked meekly. Though he knew it was Agron. Who else would be in their home? But he didn’t know the state of him or how to approach him. He asked his name more for permission than clarification. Agron didn’t answer. He had come in the side door so Nasir couldn’t see him either. He could just be imagining the door opened and closed—hoping that Agron was home.

The house fell silent again…

And then there were heavy, quick footsteps. Agron flew past him without a glance, a pause or anything. 

Nasir could hear Agron thundering in their room. He sat there tense and unsure if he could approach him, let alone should. He was scared, but he had to try. 

As he neared their bedroom, Nasir heard hangers sliding roughly against wooden rods and drawers opening and slamming shut. The door was half closed and he could see Agron frantically working, moving hastily and massing a pile in the center of their bedroom floor. 

“Agron. Wha… what are you doing?”  
Agron ignored him. Hangers clanged into each other and he breathed so loudly that Nasir thought he would explode.  
Agron grew tenser as Nasir came closer and worked faster.

“Ag…”

Agron whipped around so sharply that he startled Nasir. Nasir gasped. 

Agron’s eyes were so cloudy. The white had taken a red hue and the skin surrounding the left eye was puffy and starting to discolor. He was pale and peaky. Nasir had seen the fleshy, tan hue flee his face last night and it hadn’t return. Scruffy hair had quickly sprung up on his neck and chin in the hours since he’d left making him look ragged. A bit of blood had dried under his nose and the smell of vodka radiated from him. 

“Don’t say my fucking name!” He shouted and then continued into the bathroom. 

“Stop,” Nasir said to no avail. Agron kept on plowing forward, like he was possessed.

“Agron!” Nasir grabbed at the clothes in his hands, forcing Agron to still. “Don’t leave!” he pleaded.

Agron scoffed and glared at him. At that moment, Nasir couldn’t think of anything colder or more hateful happening to him. It was so piercing that it didn’t just go into him, it went through him. Magnified 10 fold because it was Agron looking at him with anger and disdain and because… it was his fault. 

“I’m not.” He spat out, releasing the shirts and walking away. 

Confusion hit Nasir for a second before he looked at the clothes in his hand. They were his. His stuff was thrown messily into a suitcase. His clothes, his shoes, his computer, his toothbrush, his stuff was being packed. It wasn’t everything but it was enough to get him out. 

Agron closed the suitcase as best he could. He lifted the luggage but hunched over immediately, grunting and clutching his ribs.

“Are you okay?” Nasir asked worriedly, instantly and instinctually falling to Agron’s side, placing his hand on his back.

Agron jerked from the touch.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” He barked. 

Nasir snatched away from him. 

Agron sat up on his knees, one arm propped him up and the other held his body. He could barely remember the man he fought at the bar or why he fought him but he felt the evidence. His knuckles were swollen and bruised. His ribs shot pain through his body with each touch and deep breath. His head pounded from the vodka and his heart ached from Nasir. 

Agron crouched over in pain and Nasir stood above him, dazed. His physical state weakly reflected his emotions. Agron kept his head down and breathed deeply. 

“Get out.” he said gravely.

“Agron, please…”

“GET THE FUCK OUT!” He yelled and feebly pushed the suitcase toward Nasir. 

Agron looked up at him with watery eyes, pain filling their depths to the brim. The emerald color absent, the love lost in a murky rage. He looked gutted, like something had been snatch from him from within. Nasir did that. He reduced this powerful, beautiful, vibrant man to tears—six years and he had never even seen Agron cry. Nasir could see the pain seeping into Agron’s blood making him teeter on the edge of rage and wretchedness killing the warmth and love he had for him. 

Agron mustered his strength again lifting the suitcase with a grunt and carrying it to the front door.

Nasir followed him. He wanted to yank the bag from Agron but he didn’t want to cause more strain. Agron opened the door and threw Nasir stuff on the porch. Some things flew out but he didn’t care. He held the front door open waiting for Nasir to follow his things. But Nasir didn’t move. 

“Get out!” he shouted again. 

Nasir flinched but he still didn’t budge, hiding his nerves behind defiance. He stood there, wide eyed and lost. He didn’t want to leave but he didn’t know what else to do. He wanted to tell Agron that he loved him or ask for a chance to explain or for forgiveness but he knew he had no right to ask.

Looking at Agron now, he didn’t think he would ever have the right. 

Agron huffed and then grabbed Nasir by the arm. He yanked the smaller man easily and pushed him out the door before slamming it shut. The dull definite sound echoed in Nasir’s head, getting louder instead of softer.

Nasir placed his hand on the door but he did nothing more. 

The sun shone too brightly on his darkest day, almost mocking him as he looked at his belongings thrown out like trash, like how he felt. He sniffed and rubbed tears away before they had a chance to fall. Crying felt like a privilege he didn’t deserve. 

He had parked in the circle of their driveway the day before so the car wasn’t far. He gathered his things and lugged the bags to the little white coupe. All their vehicles had keyless entry because either Agron would lose the keys or Nasir would take keys with him. So they just locked keys in the car. 

Once he got into the car he just sat there. He felt out of his body, like this wasn’t happening to him…. But, regardless if it was or wasn’t happening, where was he going to go? Naevia and Crixus were out of town. Chadera had an efficiency apartment. Mira was too far from his office. And his brother’s wife would never let him stay in their house. He really didn’t want anyone to find out about this just yet. He felt shitty enough without everyone’s judgments, opinions, reprimands and advice piling on top of him. 

Their white suv pulled into the straight of their driveway, it was Duro. Duro did find Agron last night. 

He stepped out of the car with a large brown paper bag in hand and, thankfully, unaware of Nasir sitting in the car.

Once he was out of sight, Nasir started the car and drove away.


	5. Discern

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings and Talking

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter should be called pain in my ass! It has been edited and re written to the point that I cannot look at it anymore. So I am posting it because if I don't do it now, when I'm half tired and over it, I will sit on it forever.
> 
> I have to give a super huge THANK YOU to my beta Albicocca for flat out telling me when I sent her just a 1543 words for this chapter 'It needs more.' Followed by a host of other helpful, critical and needed suggestions that really made me push myself. It's nearly doubled in length so I hope you all like it....

 Agron huffed and rolled his eyes as he reached in his pocket to silence his phone.

 “You’re not going to see who it is?” Duro asked, bringing back two bottles of Jack Daniels from the kitchen. One of the few things still left in the refrigerator along with a jug of water, butter, and a package of spoil unopened lunch meat. Agron and Nasir had always grocery shopped together… Nasir was not there.

 So Duro was there with Agron, every night since, with take out and a shoulder which Agron had not and would not use. Duro didn’t expect him to cry on it, he knew his brother, but he thought he would at least talk about what happened. He didn’t.

 “Why? I know who it is…. _you_ know who it is.” He replied without looking at Duro, staying fixed on the television.

 “Well…” Duro began hesitantly, sifting through words carefully to choose wisely. Agron had a shutdown mechanism that he defaulted too whenever he didn’t want to deal. “Are you just not going to talk to him _forever_?”

 “Don’t have shit to say.” Agron said curtly.

 “Maybe he does…Maybe you should give him a chance to...”

 “…To what?” Agron cut him off. “Explain!?” He asked incredulously, elevating his voice and glaring at Duro. “That’s what he keeps asking for… all these bullshit voicemails and emails, just fucking words. Words mean dick….He fucking cheated.” Agron spat out.

 It was silent for a second.

 “What the fuck could he possibly say anyway?” He added.

 Duro couldn’t answer. He couldn’t imagine anything, especially words, making it better but there had to be something. “So you’re done with him? Done with your marriage?”

 Agron didn’t answer.

 Duro sighed. They use to jokingly say Agron was thick as a brick but now it was painfully true.

 “Fuck man, you can’t just be done! You **have** to talk to him!” 

 Agron exhaled roughly and grazed his fingertips across his eyebrows. “I don’t want to talk about it.” He said exasperated, though that had barely spoken the whole evening.

 “But you…”

 Agron turned sharply to Duro, wide eyed and perplexed. “How can you even speak for him? You know how I, how **we** feel about cheating.” Their mom had affairs and left them for years when they were kids. They both had strong one sided opinions on infidelity, black and white. But Duro had a feeling there was a bit of gray this time. He started to say something but Agron continued. “It’s like you’re on _his_ side or something…”

 “I’m on your side, brüder, always and especially now.” Duro said quickly.

 “Then why the fuck do you keep trying to push me back to him after what he did?”

 “Because I know that if you don’t give him a chance or at least talk to him _you_ will fucking regret it.”

 ++

 Chadara had come right over after learning what happened.

As soon as Nasir told her, she gasped. ‘I’m on my way’ was all she said before hanging up the phone; she was at the hotel in less than half an hour. People tend to write her off, for various reasons, but he could always count on her, even when he didn’t want to. Chadara had been his friend since childhood. She was the first person he came out to, the first person—the only person—to help him when his parents disowned him. Hell, she was the one that made him realized Agron cared for him. She was always there for him but Nasir just wanted to deal with this alone.

As soon as she walked in she began examining the room with an up turned nose. “Why are you staying here?”  She asked frowning and peaking into the bathroom as she walked by.

It was far from luxury but it wasn’t complete shit; a table, chairs, mini fridge, microwave, a bathroom and a full size bed. He downgraded from the king size; it was just too much space and made him hurt. Lying in a physical manifestation of the way he felt, an empty cold hole beside him instead of the warm loving comfort he was use too, just made him cry harder and longer.

The room was enough, just enough to keep going. A place to lay at night and rest, since that was the only reprieve he was given. The days were long and hollow without Agron. His guilt and regret weighed on him like a cinder block necklace. The nights would have been worse but he thought so much—musing, worrying, berating—and cried so much that he wore himself out and shallow dreamless sleep took him.

Sleep stilled his heart and mind for hours and hours until an alarm or some obscure noise snatched him from his sleep and his eyes adjusted to the yellow paint of the hotel room instead of their azure blue walls. His hands felt the stiff sheets unlike the gentle Egyptian cotton on their bed and, worst of all, he rolled over and hit the vacant cold space next to him that seemed larger in the morning light. 

Yes, the room was just sufficient. He was close to the agency and could carry on some part of his life, as empty as it may be.

“It’s fine.” Nasir replied.

“It’s not good,” she declared. “I know you can afford better.” She sat on the bed, bounced a little, and then frowned again. Nasir leaned against the dresser but soon sank down to the floor.

Chadera watched him for a bit, reading the pain written all over him.  

“How are you?” she asked, obligatorily. One look at Nasir could answer that question. His hair was neatly tied back, facial hair kempt, his clothes pressed to perfection and he smiled a smile but it was all wrong. It was a façade because his eyes were heartbreakingly sad.

Nasir shrugged.

“You know when you told me I almost thought it was a joke. It’s so…,” She trailed off and quieted. Though they both knew what she was going to say—it was ‘not him’.

It _was_ unlike him. It was damn near unimaginable that they would ever part. After everything Agron and Nasir had been through, Nasir would have never thought he would be separated from Agron like this.

“…But I could tell by your voice….” She continued, pulling Nasir from his spiraling thoughts. She paused, her mouth twitch, hesitating to speak. “Have you talked to him?”

Nasir inhaled sharply and shook his head. “I’ve tried. But he’s ignoring me….”

“Well you know how he is…and you can’t really blame him for that right now.”

Nasir nodded. “I know… but it hurts.”

“I know. He just needs some time. You know he loves you.”

Nasir scoffed. “Loved. He loved me….Now…”

“Nasir…” Chadara started.

“Like you said, I know how he is. Agron loves and hates completely, and it’s one or the other. It can’t be both… and it never stops. I let him feel hate for me…. And he…” Nasir started to choke up and blinked away tears. He looked down at his fidgeting hands and tried to sift through his thoughts. Images of that night, the past months, Agron broken and teary, all of it clashed in his mind. He shuddered and felt sick. “…he won’t stop.”

Chadara quickly knelt down in front of him and wrapped her arms around him. She rubbed his back trying to comfort him no matter how futile she knew it would be.

“Can I ask….”

Nasir looked up at her apprehensively, dreading what she was going to ask. It’s what Agron was probably asking himself over and over again—plucking the answer from his fears and anger and mulling it over until it consumed and destroyed his love for Nasir.

“…Why?” She asked plainly.

“I…” Nasir began to speak but didn’t know where to start. He had been asking himself that for days, weeks now, ‘why?’. He looked away from Chadara’s questioning eyes, feeling expose and shameful as **too** many thoughts whirled in his head.

He huffed and shrugged again.  

“Is there a reason?” Nasir asked cynically, still looking away.

“Sometimes,” She replied earnestly. “For you there has to be….”

Nasir smiled a little.

“We’ve been having problems for a while… we’ve been off, going through shit…” Nasir shifted his position, suddenly feeling physically uncomfortable. Chadara was his closest friend but he hadn’t shared this with anyone. It was hard enough realizing and dealing with faults in your marriage on your own, let alone admitting it to someone. It was hard to admit failure.

“He had that shoulder injury. It wasn’t too serious, just dislocated, a few months out but LA traded him during that time.”

Chadara grimaced. “They traded him for that? “

"No, it wasn’t because of that, it was… budgets, statistics, and politics and bullshit. It was fucked up, he found out a couple days before the public. And then on top of that no one….” Nasir sighed. “It was a while before Anaheim picked him up. Then the fuckers missed the damn trade deadline. So he was out for the rest of the season, even after he healed. He was at home during the playoffs for no fucking reason and it just killed him. He got depressed and angry and… away from me….”

 “He missed the guys, the fans, the traveling, the appearances, he missed his life. Some people are fortunate enough to have job they live for, they breathe for—hockey is that for him.” Nasir said proudly, smiling a little. “I know what playing means to him. And what it meant for him to not have that anymore, to be in limbo with his career especially so close to retiring. He was scared.”

 “I felt for him, tried to help him the best way I could… but nothing was right or good enough. He took his frustrations out on me. Stupid shit became big shit and we just argued about everything... We never really argue. And then when he didn’t get signed anywhere right away that added to his frustrated…so he drank.”

 “Nasir,” she said quietly, interrupting him. “Did he…?” She asked fearfully, unable to finish because the thought sickened her.

 “No!” Nasir said quickly and adamantly, looking at her strangely for second.

 Chadara took a deep breath. “Shit, you scared me.”

 “No, he would never…. but he can be a fucking asshole when he drinks, he can still be hurtful. So it was like that for a while, tense and fucking fragile or brittle or something. Just, not us…. Then when I got the offer to go to Emor… I…I had to release him as a client.”

Chadara’s eyes widened, no one knew that. Nasir and Agron were the gay power couple, the ‘it’ couple, partners in everything. When Agron signed with another agent, they jokingly told everyone that he couldn’t afford Nasir anymore, not that Nasir had released him. She wanted to ask him something but decided against it. Nasir was venting, he needed that and she wouldn’t disrupt him. He should have done that months ago but she kept that too herself as well.

Nasir looked back at his fidgeting hands and continued. “It was insult to injury. I know. I struggled with that decision. I can only imagine how he felt. Agron supported me through college. He gave me my first real job, he believed in me. And when he needed someone to believe in him it probably seemed like I didn’t. But that’s bull shit,” he said looking up at Chadara with wet eyes. “I love him. I believe in him and his talent…But this job… this job was everything I’ve worked for and sacrificed for—being homeless, years of college, shitty jobs and shit salaries. This job was the reason for it all… I couldn’t just…”  Nasir sniffed and blinked hard, trying to hold back the emotions that were coming closer to the surface with each word. “I couldn’t just let it go.”

Chadera nodded, reassuring Nasir. She was the only other person besides Agron that _did know_ everything about him.  It wasn’t an easy road but Nasir busted his ass to get to where he was today and he deserved whatever he wanted.

Nasir wanted to stop talking. He didn’t want to unload all of this on Chadara, but the dam was broken, the flood was here. All his questions, all his jumbled thoughts, subconscious answers, feelings and pain were finally flowing together, instead of jarring him, to make some sort of sense. He had to keep going…

“I know moving to another team was hard. Making less money and feeling let down by the company you gave your life and body too was hard but it wasn’t my fault. I had to let him go for this job. It was business, not personal. He should understand that and want the best for me, right? I took the job for us, to better our life together but…he didn’t see it like that. He said I abandoned him. And I felt neglected and ignored… Sounds like some fucking fifties housewife bull shit—Nasir shrugged—but that’s how I felt.”

“So we talked less, fucked less and just cared less. We let space grow between us.”

“I ignored it for weeks and months. I ignored the little shit he would say, the little things he was doing, everything he had stopped doing…. He used to tell me loved me like three times a day.”

Chadara smiled.

“Three fucking times, at least, every day. I know that’s small and I never really cared that he did. I didn’t need him to do it but he did, always, for years. I got used to it and I loved it.” Nasir smiled a bit. “He still loved me as much as he ever did.” Then his expression blanked. “So when it stopped I knew something was wrong.”

“I begged him to talk to me but he just shut down. I took that because I love him and that’s what you’re supposed to do…. I was trying to be there for him but I just felt like his punching bag.” Nasir shook his head again, trying to stay focus. “I was feeling so much for him that I wasn’t myself anymore. I was lost…”

“Damn, Nasir, I had no idea.” Chadara said regretfully. “Why didn’t you talk to me?”

“I don’t know….embarrassed…You know that awards ceremony thing, that dinner? He wasn’t sick. He just didn’t want to come. He wasn’t there to support me and be proud of me, like I have been for him so many times cause he was dealing with his shit. I was so hurt and pissed that he didn’t come… _and_ I was _over_ being hurt and angry…”

Silence fell. Nasir reflected on that night, reliving all the emotions fueling and driving him against heart. He breathed in and out deeply.

"…But Michael _was_ there. I had a couple of drinks…I needed something… and here I am….” Nasir sighed and looked around the room. His head slightly jerked back as he was hit with staggering clarity, finally, and fully, realizing how he had gotten to this bleak little room.

 Chadara sat quiet for a bit, processing everything carefully.  She sat back against the bed, folding her arms and really thought about it. After a long while she simply and confidently said, “It’s not over.”

 After all of that, after breaking himself open and pouring out, that’s all she offered? Nasir scoffed.

 “What!?” She asked incredulously. “What do you want me to say Nasir??”

 “Agron loves you. He loves you. The way you are together, the way you just…look… at each other. Anyone can see it, anyone would want it...”

 Nasir opened his mouth to object but Chadara held her hands up shushing him.

 “It may not have been the same lately but it’s still there, it always will be… something like that doesn’t just fade away. Maybe its lost or something, but it’s there. He is mad and hurt now but he won’t want to lose you. I know that. He doesn’t want to hear you now but you have to keep trying, keep fighting for him.”

 “I AM fighting.” Nasir declared.

“For **now** you are…but... it’s may get worse before it gets better. He’s gonna say and do shit that is going to hurt.” She wiped a tear off his cheek and turned him toward her. “And while he’s being stubborn and you’re trying to make him remember, you can’t forget either…..”


	6. Discuss

“You kicked him out?!” Mira yelled incredulously with narrowed confused eyes.

“Why you sayin’ it like that? Like, like _I_ did something wrong?”

“Because I think you did!” She exclaimed. “I know things have been a little… _off_ with you two but… you’re ending it? Like for real?”

She was shocked, truly and utterly. Mira was their biggest cheerleader and coach. She often joked that she was basically dating Nasir too, especially in the beginning. She remembered all the phone calls and texts from Agron on ‘what to do?’, ‘what not to do?’, ‘I can’t stop thinking about him’, ‘what does this mean?’, ‘how long do we have to wait till sex?’, ‘how do I not punch every man that looks at him?’…

It took Agron a while to get the hang of having a real relationship. He fell fast and hard and didn’t know what to do with all his feelings. Mira told him it was okay to fall because Nasir would catch him; so he did and she was there for all of it—every fight, make up, decision, everything. How could she not know, not see that they were at the breaking point?

“He fucking cheated!” Agron yelled as if the increased volume would make her understand him.

“Cheated how?” She replied curiously, un-phased by his tone.

Now Agron stared at her with incredulity plastered on his face and outrage growing in his eyes. “Why the fuck do I want to know that!?”

Mira rolled her eyes. “I mean was it emotionally and physical or just physical?”

Agron stared at her bewildered and aggravated. “What the fuck is the difference?”

“Physical is fixable, forgivable…. Emotional…well… I would have ended it too.” She said, empathetically, knowing the difference all too well. Having someone’s body was nothing compared to owning their heart. “But I can’t see Nasir being into anyone else. He really loves you.”

“Then why the fuck did he do it?” Agron retorted, irritated—his blood heating and thickening with anger. He asked the question, though he knew she couldn’t answer. Even if she could, he didn’t care right now.

“Well….what did he say?”

“I didn’t ask,” he said. “And I don’t give a fuck.”

“Yes you do! You wouldn’t be like this if you didn’t care.”

“Like what?”

Mira raised an eyebrow at him. He heaved a sigh, silently telling her to fuck off.

Agron knew full well ‘what like’. You could take one look at him and see he was wrecked. His facial hair was ragged and long, almost grown into a short beard. He was wearing clothes that looked like he had been wearing them for the past couple of days. He had that hangover smell and his skin was peaky. And worst of all were his eyes. Bags were stamped onto the thin skin underneath his eyes and they were hollow, cloudy like something was blocking the rays that usually shone from within him.

Plus the house was a fucking disaster. There were shards of broken glass and ripped paper on the floor, dishes piled in the sink, and old trash on the kitchen counter.

“ _Affected_ ,” She said after surveying him and the room. “And even if you really don’t care, you should still find out. You don’t end six years without knowing why.”

Mira paused before continuing. She could tell Agron was gritting his teeth and actively controlling himself. He was angry and hurt, which meant he was an emotional minefield. Anything could set him off and then there was no talking to him. But she had to chance it.

“Why do you think… he cheated?”

“Because he’s a fucking whore!” Agron bit out sharply, using insults to hide his pain.

“DON’T!” Mira replied just as harsh. “Don’t do that! Be….nice.”

Agron head snapped toward her viciously. “Nice? WHAT THE…Why the fuck should I be nice? WHY THE FUCK is every acting like I did something to him.”

“Because there has to be something, he wouldn’t just do this... And because if you act like an asshole, regardless if you break up or get back together, you will end up regretting it! He made one fucking mistake Agron… How many have…”

“None like this!” Agron said quickly, cutting her off. “I would never…” His voice cracked a little bit and he took a sharp breath. The emotion instantly welled and lumped in his throat but he swallowed it, pushed it away like he had been doing for days.

At first he couldn’t get a grip on his emotions, he didn’t know how to feel. He teetered between yelling and crying, throwing things and clutching Nasir’s pillow—inhaling the scent of his shampoo. He cursed Nasir and then blamed himself. He didn’t eat, he couldn’t sleep. It was hell. A deep, lonely hell that no one could help him out of, so rather than feel that, deal with that, he just pushed it away. The couple of times he managed to leave the house he kept a stoic front around everyone and everything. Even moving about the house he was blank, unemotional and turned off. He could fake it everywhere…everywhere but their bedroom. That’s when it really hit him and the misery won.

Agron hated sleeping alone anyway, even before Nasir, but now he was used to the warm comfort of his lithe body that seemed to be made for him to lie behind and curl himself around, or made to lie on top of him and cling to him. He missed long dark hair tickling his face and warm breath on his chest in the morning. And he missed how Nasir’s hands always caressed his body, even when Nasir was still sleep. He loved Nasir. Everything about him was perfect and his…until now.

Now, Agron only thought of Nasir betraying him, letting someone else have him, touch him, enter him, and decimating them.

Agron just couldn’t get the images out of his head nor the whys… He even wondered if the ‘whys’ matter? It happened. Reasons wouldn’t change it or lessen it. It would still slap him across the face and kick him in the heart every time he thought of or looked at Nasir.

“I would never.” He restated more calmly.

“You must have an idea or something…”

“DON’T TRY TO MAKE ME FUCKING JUSTIFY HIS SHIT!”

“Why are you yelling at me!?”

“BECAUSE YOU’RE FUCKING PISSING ME OFF!” Agron stood up abruptly. She was asking him questions that made him think and feel and hurt and he couldn’t deal. “I don’t give a fuck what was happening! He shouldn’t have done it! He fucking fucked off.!” Agron stormed off leaving Mira on the couch dazed.

Just for a second.

She gathered herself and then ran across the house after Agron. She caught the door before it hit the frame.

He turned around to her slow and reluctantly.

“Look, I know what you’re going through, believe me. But I don’t give a fuck about you throwing a fit, cursing, slamming shit and whatever the fuck else you feel you need to do. BECAUSE after that you ARE going to talk to me so we can fix this.”

Then she slammed the door and walked away.

**++**

“Nasir if you check that phone again, I will break it!” Aarif said with a mouth full of spaghetti. His brother was the absolute last person he wanted to see right now. And the last person Nasir wanted to confide in or turn to, but he was the only family member that still talked to Nasir—who tried to accept him-- so he thought it best not to alienate him.

“I know. I know.” Nasir sighed. “I’m sorry. I can’t help it.” He put the phone down and nudged it slightly, for show. He could still see the screen. He stared at the black device like he had done so often in the last week, wishing and hoping that it would light up with Agron’s name.

“So you haven’t talked to him since he threw you out?”

 Nasir shook his head. “No, he won’t speak to me.”

“So it’s over, over?”

“I don’t know…” Nasir said softly, absent mindedly twirling his fork in his fettuccini. Agron had ignored him for a week, his anger had not subsided, but like Chadara said, he had to fight.

“Well how does that work?” His brother asked.

“What do you mean?”

“I mean you are not legally married, but practically. What about your house, the cars, the bank accounts, you have all that together?”

Nasir nodded but really his attention was focused on the platinum band on his left finger. The center strip of diamonds shone even in the dim light of the restaurant and despite the fact that everything the ring symbolized was fading. Agron had proposed early in their relationship, too early. Nasir probably should have said no but Agron told him not to answer right away, not to rush. He posed the question because he was ready and he said he would wait for Nasir. The wait was only a day. Nasir loved him and wanted to be with him, no matter how fast and surreal their relationship was back then.

“Nasir?” Aarif said questioningly, bringing Nasir’s mind from a happy past to a bleak present.

“I don’t know…I haven’t thought about that… I don’t want to think about that….” He said sadly. “This can’t be it… we can’t just be ….over.”

“But it might be.” His brother said frankly, always the realist.

“What!?” Nasir said crossly. How could Aariff say that? Anger suddenly washed over Nasir and for some reason he thought about his brother trying to ‘help’ him and his homosexual problem years ago. He thought about the awful things his family had said to him and how they cast him out on to the street, literally and how Aarif was on their side.

“You’d like that wouldn’t you?” Nasir quipped. “You never wanted us together!”

“Nasir!” His brother exclaimed in surprise  
   
“It’s true! You just fucking pretend...”

“Nasir Saleem Haddad!” Aarif said loud enough to shut him up. “ **لا يتكلم معي من هذا القبيل**! What is the matter with you?” He said sternly, looking just like their father.

Nasir’s expression eased and he sat back in the booth, embarrassed. “I’m sorry,” he muttered.

Aarif gave him a quick nod.

“Now, truthfully,” his brother began, “I do not want you with a man, ANY man. You know how I feel about it, we’ve talked extensively… but that is _my_ preference. Agron is a good man, I know that. And I know how much he loves you and how much you love him. I do not want you unhappy. So no, I do not want it to be over.” He declared genuinely, making Nasir feel shameful on top of embarrassed.

“But you have to be realistic….,” he continued. “Would you forgive him?”

“I…” Nasir began to speak but his mouth just lingered open. He blinked repeatedly, stunned and speechless. He could not answer that question. Of course, he wanted to say yes, but that was more because he wanted to be forgiven. He needed forgiveness right now. But for another situation, another time, he could not honestly answer yes.

“Exactly.” His brother said, breaking his thoughts again. “However, if the mobile phone and email are not getting to him, go to him. Be brave, face him and deal with the problem.”

Nasir stared at Aarif in disbelief. Years ago he would have never thought he could talk to his brother about this. He couldn’t imagine that he would be on his side and giving him advice, good advice.

Aarif was right. Nasir had been going about this all wrong, the coward’s way, hiding behind telephones and computers. He needed to see Agron, face to face, talk to him and confront their demons.

Nasir reached in his pocket and pulled out a two twenties for the meal, before putting on his jacket.

“What are you doing? Where are you going?” Aarif asked confused.

“To Agron, like you said,” Nasir said with an anxious smile and more energy than he had had in weeks.

“I didn’t mean now!” Aarif yelled after him but Nasir was already at the door of the restaurant.


	7. Acting Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is kinda my favorite chapter! ;)
> 
> Beta: Albicocca

Agron emerged from their bedroom late in the afternoon, yawning and stretching. Mira waited for nearly two hours before she had to leave. But she promised that she would return tomorrow, the next day and the next until Agron talked to her. She was one of his best friends but could be worse than a mother. He knew he needed to talk, sort this out, eventually, but not today. Right now, he just wanted to not hurt.

He had spent the entire day sitting on the floor of their bedroom staring at their bed. It was neat and perfectly made, untouched for days… After Nasir left, Agron ripped the sheets off the bed in a drunken fury. Their bed still showed the crinkles of where they had laid together the morning before everything and it was maddening. Seeing remnants of what was just broken was too much and he reacted. He trashed their room, tearing at the fabric and flipped the mattress over, trying desperately to expel his feelings. He kicked the head board, denting the wall, then fell on to the messy pile of box spring, pillows and sheets and passed out.

A couple days later, Agron made the bed. He even used Nasir’s favorite sheets. He matched the corners of the grey fabric to the corners of the mattress, tucking it underneath the mattress methodically. He laid the flat sheet on top, pulling and smoothing the fabric till there were no wrinkles, no imperfections. He placed the comforter on top and folded the sheet down, before arranging the pillows.

Agron finally cried that morning.

Before it had just been watery eyes, a stray tear or so escaping but that morning he crouched near their bed and wept. All his anger and wretchedness had gathered in the wells of his eyes and the salty rapids of tears fell, stinging his hot cheeks. His body shuddered from the sobs. Putting something back together that was intimate and sacred to them when they were shattered…. It was too much and he cried.

Since then, the bed had been unused and untouched. He couldn’t lie in it, so he just stared at it, as if answers lay in the folds of the sheets.

Today, Agron sat there for minutes or hours, he wasn’t sure and it all felt the same, until his eyes closed and then opened later. That’s what his sleep was now, just closing his eyes for a period of time then opening, it was nothing. The nothingness in his sleep and the void while he was awake sucked the life and will from him. He would be hollow if it were not for the uncertainty that filled him. He questioned their entire relationship, he doubted Nasir’s feelings for him and he didn’t know his feelings anymore. Being lost in your life was a horrid feeling and it was all Agron had now.

He finally mustered the strength to get up and do something today, seven days later.

He walked down stairs and got a hard look at their house. It was a fucking mess—blankets and pillows were thrown all over the couch; days old take out and empty bottles of every kind of liquor littered the coffee table; a couple of ripped pictures of them and Kleenex were scattered on the floor. His phone was in pieces near the kitchen. He hadn’t taken out the trash or cleaned the kitchen in days. He didn’t feel like breathing let alone cleaning so the whole down stairs reeked of trash and misery.

Agron sighed deeply. It was a fucking mess, like him. He shook his head, trying to keep his thoughts from drifting. When he thought about it, really thought about how he got to this place, he couldn’t face it. He ran his fingers through his short hair, sighed and once again pushed it away by cleaning. He cleaned and cleaned. He picked up all the trash, washed the blankets, his clothes, vacuumed, emptied the trash, washed the dishes, and dusted everything. He cleaned like it mattered, like it would accomplish something; like it could make him feel better….

After a while, the house was clean and spotless. The coffee table they bought from a flea market shined and smelled like oranges. Nasir's favorite throw was folded neatly over the back of the couch. The shot glass collection Nasir had started for him from their travels was organized. He put their surviving pictures back in place….It looked more like their house again…. But… it was still empty.

He was still alone and he still hurt—to his core, he hurt. His breath suddenly became heavy. It dragged through his body filling him back up with sadness and uncertainty. His eyes welled. He tried to blink away the tears but they were coming. Surrounded by them, in their house, with their pictures, their blankets, their fucking… dishes…their stuff… strangled him. He had to get out.

**++**

Agron’s wandering landed him at the gym. He was feeling a little all over the place and the gym was the perfect place to not think and avoid their house.

He barely got a good start on the tread mill when someone called his name. He turned around to find six feet of olive skin, dark hair, green eyes and a perfect ass staring at him. Ricky.

Ricky had a thing for Agron. He was a Spanish import that most guys and girls would/were creaming themselves over, everyone except Agron.

Agron didn’t know the man well; he was an acquaintance at best. He didn’t want or need to know him. He had Nasir. Ricky had always made his intentions very clear in their scattered conversations. He was always suggestive and teased Agron for being married. And he always managed to be directly in Agron’s view when he worked out. Flexing and showcasing his chiseled body in skin tight gym wear and an occasional smirk over his shoulder. Agron found it amusing, Nasir not so much, but they had trust so it was alright. Besides Ricky respected his relationship for the most part, he playfully teased but never crossed the line.

He was hot, kind of ridiculously so, everyone knew that, Agron acknowledged that but he had no desire for it. He _was_ taken, he _was_ happy and he _was_ crazily in love. He _was_ , he used to be, but now….. Now, he didn’t know what he had or what he was. Agron would give anything to not feel what he felt now.

Maybe Ricky could distract him….

“Hey,” Agron said, managing a smile and waving. “How are you?”

Ricky looked surprised for a second but then walked over to him.

“You haven’t been around,” He said with a thick accent and warm smile.

“Been busy,” Agron vaguely replied.

“Your husband keep you locked up?” Ricky asked as his eyes explored every inch and crevice of Agron’s body.

Agron’s eyes travelled to his hand, he was still wearing his wedding ring. He licked his lips slowly before looking back at Ricky. He stepped closer to him.

“I uh…” Agron began as he removed his ring. He held it up between them. The diamonds sparkled in the light, clear and perfect but….spoiled at the same time.

“We don’t need to worry about him.” He replied coyly. He slipped the ring in his pocket, and then slid past Ricky, chest to chest, groin to groin, feeling and taunting him before heading to the locker room.

Ricky eagerly followed his lead.

He walked through the door and pulled Agron in between the first row of lockers and kissed him. He pushed Agron against the back wall and his hands immediately retraced the path his eyes had just mapped out. He raked his fingers down Agron’s chest then pulled his tank off.

He paused for a moment admiring the muscled flesh before him. He kissed Agron’s chin, his neck, his chest, then dragged his tongue down the middle of Agron’s torso.

At first Agron held his hands up, not acting or responding, just letting it happen. He started to say something, he wanted to say something but he was interrupted with Ricky’s mouth on his again. He dug his fingers into Agron's ass pulling Agron into him and his tongue pushed into his mouth to kissed him.

It was hot and messy and gratifying—on more levels than one—so Agron gave in. He kissed the lips back, he touched the body pressed to him, his eyes closed and ….

The door opened and Agron snatched away from Ricky’s grasp. His breath was heaving and he started thinking again. What are you doing? Do it! Fuck Nasir! Don’t do it. I miss Nasir. What the fuck am I doing? He cheated on you—every thought conflicted with the next. Agron couldn’t deal, so he did what he does, shut down.

A guy walked passed them. He smirked but kept his eyes straightforward as he went to the showers. Then someone else entered.

“You want to get out of here?” Ricky asked with a deep and breathy voice, smiling devilishly.

Agron nodded, mechanically. His head was moving before he could even process the question. Ricky put on some jeans and grabbed his bag before they headed out the door.

**+++**

“Which one is yours?” Ricky asked.

“Hmm?” Agron turned to him from his blank stare into the night.

“Which house is yours?” Ricky asked again.

“Uhhh… 4533…the gray one.”

Ricky parked in the drive way. They exited the car and entered the house.

He pounced on Agron as soon as he walked past him—groping, kissing and biting him from behind. Agron turned to him and sloppily kissed him back. Kissing, strange how Agron use to do it for hours with Nasir, with no particular intent but to feel and connect with him. Now, it was shallow and primal, only a means to an end, a distraction….

Agron walked backward until he hit the base of the stairs and tripped.

“Shit!”

Ricky chuckled and straddled Agron.

“Wait, Let me… let me turn on the lights,” Agron said. He moved Ricky from on top of him and stood up to hit the light switch.

The light poured over their house like a display. He looked around, everything was orderly and how he left it. He saw the pictures of them, their things, their memories and then…this stranger in their house.

He paused for a minute, taking in the sight. He really looked at it and everything flashed in his mind, the bad and the good. He thought about all of it and how what he was about to do would taint their memories, their space…and… he couldn’t. He couldn’t ruin the intimacy of the home they built together with this stranger.

“You… you have to have to go.” Agron said stammered a bit, as if the haze was lifting off of him. He walked over and opened the door.

“What?” Ricky asked confused, standing up to walked back closer to Agron. He reached out to touch Agron but he stepped back.

“I can’t.” Agron stared at him with an almost bewildered look in his eyes. He looked dazed and his troubles crept back on to his face.

“Are you okay?”

“No…Yeah… I mean …” He huffed. He didn’t know what he meant. “I’m sorry, I just…can’t.”

Agron looked despairingly at Ricky, this man he didn’t know, and hoped he would understand. .

There was an awkward silent for bit but then Ricky nodded.

“Okay,” he said. He understood.

He took a step out of the house but then turned back.  
“You know… if you ever want to do that thing that people do when they aren’t fucking….” Ricky shrugged and smiled. “I’m a good listener.”

Agron smirked and nodded. Ricky half turned but then turned back around quickly.

“Fucking is good too though.” He added, getting a small laugh from Agron. He leaned in and kissed Agron briefly on the lips before leaving.

Agron took a deep breath, as he watched Ricky walk away, somehow doing the hard thing made him feel relief. He was still a fucking mess but doing that wouldn’t help. A band aid wasn’t going to heal his wound. It’s not like he had an epiphany of what to do, he just felt kind of even. He didn’t want to cry or scream or drink, which was progress for him, maybe now he could think of what he really wanted with a clearer head.

His eyes lingered on Ricky’s truck for a bit but then moved to a car parked across the street. He recognized the vehicle immediately, his chest tightened and then every bit of fear, conflict, and grief instantly washed over him again….

+++

Despite his anxiousness, Nasir drove slowly to their house from the restaurant. He was still searching for the nerve to face Agron, truly face him. He was terrified. This could go one of two ways and he prayed that whatever happened he could still have hope. Agron had not talked to him in days—and he probably hadn’t listened to or read any of the messages either. Soon time would create too much space and distance and they might never get back together. It didn’t have to be completely positive, he wasn’t expecting much, not anything really… just a shred of hope was all he wanted.

As the house came into view he saw a car, truck actually, in the driveway. A blue hummer…. They don’t have a blue hummer….None of their friends, or family or even associates have a blue hummer. Nasir’s chest tightened. He glanced at the clock it was 10:22, on a Wednesday. And no other cars were in the drive way.

He tried to think if he’d ever seen a blue hummer before. He hadn’t. His breath started to heave as he passed the house. All the lights were off…. He hit the cul-de-sac and turned around. When he parked his car across the street, the lights were on in the house. He turned his car off. Nasir’s blood thumped in his ears as he waited across the street from his house, separated from his life and Agron.

He looked down at his ring and began to twist the band around his finger. The diamonds were so beautiful and clear, sparkling even in the night. His eyes started to water as he waited. He was losing his nerve and wanted to retreat. He couldn’t face Agron crying and pleading like he was the victim.

He wasn’t ready.

Nasir was about to drive off, but something made him looked at their house again. Then everything slowed down—his breath, time, his heart beat—and he watched hope fade…

Another man, a new man, emerge from their house.

Nasir stopped breathing.

A man was in their house. Agron had been with a man in their house….

They seemed very familiar. Agron looked like he had smiled at the stranger just before they….. _kissed_.

Nasir literally flinched; gasping like someone punched him slowly in the gut. It looked like a ‘thank you’ and a ‘till next time’… His view got blurry from the water escaping Nasir’s eyes. The tears were hot and itchy making him scratch at his cheeks. He closed his eyes, squeezing them tight to clear the water and the image. It didn’t work. It didn’t even help. He took a quick hard breath and somehow looked again, he didn’t know why, or how, but he looked again. The man was driving off and Agron lingered in the door. He looked content, until his eyes traveled across the street and landed on the car.

He saw him.

Their eyes locked. Even though they were apart and Nasir’s face was only half lit from the street light they caught each other. That thing between them passed, like it always did, but it was different. Nasir couldn’t describe it, but it was not the same.

Agron’s mouth fell open slightly. His breath became quick and weighty. Nasir just stared at him, his face scrunched with tears streaming down his face. He didn’t leave, like he should have, he sat there and waited for Agron. He waited for him to wave him over or leave the door open or call him or something….

…But he didn’t. Agron just stood there, stunned. The reason he wanted to fuck Ricky and the reason he couldn’t fuck him, the source of his anger and sadness were sitting across the street staring at him. And that is the problem, it was still anger and sadness, betrayal and loneliness, ‘fuck you’ and ‘I miss you’. Agron was still all over the place. He couldn’t deal with Nasir yet. So he clenched his teeth—controlling his emotion and his reaction to Nasir outside their house—stepped inside and shut the door behind him.


	8. Recoil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta Albicocca

The next morning Mira was at their house, as promised, at what Agron usually referred to as an ungodly hour, around 7 a.m.

She had a key so she didn’t knock. Plus she knew Agron would probably be dead to the world right now.

When she entered the house she was kind of taken aback by the state of the place. It was **so** clean, she couldn’t remember the last time she saw it so spotless. She wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad sign.

She walked to the kitchen to get a drink and was surprised again when she saw Agron leaning over the island with a large cup in hand.

“Why are you up so early?” She asked.

“How’d you get in?” He replied.

Mira jangled her silver key. She would have smirked if Agron hadn’t looked so vacant.

“That is for emergencies or when you tell me you’re coming over.” He remarked coldly. He wasn’t in the mood for her this morning, he just wasn’t.

“I told you yesterday that I was going to come over every day until we fixed you guys… did you think I was joking?”

Agron stared at her with that annoyed look and she just gave it back to him tripled. He sighed, but Mira would not relent.

He went to the cupboard to pull out her favorite mug, which was more like a small bowl. He put the tea bag in the cup and then poured the hot water over it to let it steep.

She watched him carefully.

It was like a silent game of double Dutch; she wasn’t sure of when to jump in. He seemed different this morning, not better, not worse but different—something had happened. He was blank and stoic which made her uneasy. Like the eye of the storm, he was calm, quiet but foreboding.

He kept his back to her and said nothing. Long silent moments passed and she decided to take her chances…

“Did something happen?” She asked frankly.

Agron tensed. Mira couldn’t see his face but she saw his whole body tighten and that answered her question.

“Agron.” She repeated, sternly.

Agron rolled his eyes and exhaled forcefully. He hated it when she said his name like that because he always felt like he had to answer; like she was his mother. Agron couldn’t stand his mother and the fact that Mira sometimes tried to fill that role annoyed the hell out of him.

“What?” His voice was sharp and irritated.

  
“What happened?”

He could feel her dark eyes staring into the back of his skull. He heaved another sigh. Even though he hated it, Mira was only trying to help.

“I sorta hooked up with someone.” He confessed in a mumble.

He didn’t look at her but he could imagine the look on her face—eyes wide, mouth open, and breath halted in shock. He had had the same look just days ago. Days ago he couldn’t imagine any of it happening.

He could hear the barrage of questions and chastisements gathering in her mind ready to spew from her mouth. But she was silent; she didn’t say anything, which was probably worst. And Agron hadn’t told her the most awful part yet….

“He saw us.”He added remorsefully.

The three words fell out of his mouth heavily, hitting his own ears with a dull and heavy clang. It sounded apart from him, like a horrible, horrible thing that you would never want to happen to you…except it did.

“HOW THE FUCK…?” She nearly yelled but stopped herself. “Tell me… tell me you did not do something that fucking careless!?!?”

“Mira, I just fucking said I didn’t hook up with him. And if I did, do you...”

“No! No, you said you sorta hooked up!” She exclaimed, it wasn’t a yell, she wasn’t yelling at him but she wasn’t calm. “What THE FUCK is _sorta_ hooking up Agron?” She asked angrily.

Agron didn’t answer.

“So what did Nasir see?!”

Agron turned to her, flushed red like he was holding his breath. “I DIDN’T FUCK HIM! OKAY?!?” Agron shouted, matching her edge and reproach with volume. “I didn’t fuck him!” He reiterated, with muddled eyes. “Nasir just saw us standing outside the house and…. probably a kiss.”

“Does Nasir know that? Did you tell him that?”

Agron paused and stared at her, not wanting to admit what he was doing. Her brows furrowed and she gently shook her head in disbelief.

“No.” He said emptily, fixing his eyes on anything but her face. He had had plenty of time to tell Nasir what didn’t happen, to let him know that he couldn’t go through with it. He could have made sure Nasir was not drowning in a sea of nightmares, replaying things and seeing things that didn’t happen. He could have told Nasir that he wasn’t sure about going back but that he couldn’t just move on…Nasir was hurting more, now because of him, and he could stop that, make it a little less painful…But he didn’t.

“What?” Mira spat out.  
Agron didn’t look at her.

“How could you do that to him?”  
Agron didn’t reply.

“How can you fix your relationship if you do shit like that?”

“Maybe it is not up to me to fix it.” He replied calmly.

“So it’s on Nasir?” She asked. “So you’re telling me that Nasir hasn’t been trying to talk to you or trying to work things out?”

“Maybe it’s not supposed to be fixed.” He said as he spun his mug, swishing the tea and staring deep into the swirling blackness.

Mira winced, her mouth fell open again and she stared at Agron utterly flabbergasted.

“You can’t mean that?” She finally said after a long pause.

“Mira, he cheated.… And it wasn’t just a drunk blacked out fuck up. And I don’t think he has any feelings for that asshole he slept with. He knew what he was doing. He made a conscious decision to go home with him and have sex with him. No one forced him too; he wasn’t drunk, high or what the fuck ever excuses….”

Agron inhaled deeply, like he had just remembered to keep breathing.

“And we were going through shit. I’ll admit that. I was not myself… for a while. I know that too. But I feel like he did it to hurt me. Somewhere, deep down he was trying to get back at me or lash out instead of sticking the shit out, and waiting for me. This is supposed to be for better or worse…” Agron croaked out the last word as his voice failed him. “For better or worse…. You’re supposed to stick it out. And he fucked off.”

A tear escaped him.

“Agron...” Mira tried to interrupt him and grab his arms.

“Stop!” Agron pulled from her. “ _He_ fucked off!”

She stared at him, finally seeing how deep the pain was behind the anger. The physical act of cheating is one thing but often it’s the reasoning behind it, the ‘why’ that can tear out your heart and smash it to pieces.

“And the worst part,” Agron continued, “The worst part is that I know he loves me. I love him. But shit will get bad again. The shit will get bad. And what will stop him from fucking off again? I can’t… _do this_ , every time.” Agron took a deep breathe. “I just fucking can’t.”

He took a deep breath, looking emptier now than before—now that he had spilled his thoughts, feelings and fears. Mira wanted to say something but she couldn’t… He was justified and valid. She couldn’t argue. She couldn’t say anything.

**++**

Nasir wasn’t asleep he was just still on the couch. He had somehow made it to Chadara’s apartment. He hated to bother her but it was a little closer to their house than the hotel and he just wasn’t sure if he could make it back without an accident. Tears blurred his vision and his breath was staggered and heavy. Everything he had in him fled his body—air, focus, fight, hope. He wasn’t even sure how he was able to start the car and get out of there. But he had to do that.

Nasir didn’t want to move, he didn’t want to breathe, and he didn’t want to open his eyes.

He had heard Chadara wake about an hour ago and try her best to be quiet as she moved around her tiny apartment. So Nasir just let her think he was still asleep.

If he opened his eyes, he would have the face the morning and acknowledge last night. He couldn’t tell himself he imagined it or dreamt it. He wasn’t in their bed because of him, and now he wasn’t even in his damn hotel room because of Agron.

Nasir would have cried again but he was all cried out. He had no more tears. His eyes hurt and were puffy and irritated. He rolled over and felt damp fabric against his cheek, surprised that it wasn’t soaked through.

The couch was growing increasingly more uncomfortable, Chadara was getting louder, the sun brighter and he knew he couldn’t put the day off any longer.

He opened his eyes.

Chadara was half dressed and burning toast when he looked over the arm of the couch. She was one of those people that always tried not to be late but ended up later every time. He hadn’t told her what happened. He just showed up on her doorstep, distraught and crying. She gave him her couch, no questions asked.

“I’m sorry… I tried to wait...” She started apologizing, even though this was her apartment and she had to go to work. He did too but he couldn’t. “But my boss will kill me if I am late again.”

Nasir didn’t say anything.

“I can come home early if you want….We can talk….”

Nasir shook his head.

“Are you sure?”

Nasir nodded.

She ran across the room with a mouth full of toast. She yanked her blue blouse over her head and hobbled on one shoed-foot to the door.

“Well if you need anything call me. K?”

Nasir didn’t answer. He wasn’t there. He was back a few months ago before all the shit, before he cheated, before everything went wrong. It was good then, the best kind of good—a good that made him crazy and secure and loved. _It’s not gone_ , he repeated in his head over and over again. _It’s still there._

“Nasir?” She asked again, standing half in and out of the apartment.

He turned to her and nodded. Although he didn’t really hear what she had just told or asked him, it really didn’t matter…. Nothing did…

 


	9. Attempt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is long because it was originally 2 chapters. But Albicocca said that she likes 'em long! ;) Hehe. And she said I need to stop torching you guys! 
> 
> So... 'enjoy'!
> 
> Beta: Albicocca

The next few days trudged on and Nasir had not found the strength to fight again. They say time makes things easier and heart grow fonder but each day was harder and pulled him further away from Agron. ‘They’ were wrong.

Nasir tried to hold on to what Chadara said, to what he knew he had to do—keep trying and fighting and hoping that Agron would forgive him—but the other night crushed him. The sight of Agron with another man… It just…. It snatched his heart away, and he hadn’t felt it since. In a way, he knew he deserved it. He should have to feel that gut wrenching, heart stopping pain of knowing the person you love was with someone else but he never thought it would happen so soon. So Nasir took a step back and stopped.

He stopped calling, stopped texting, stopped emailing, and stopped crying. He just stopped. It wasn’t doing any good. They were in limbo, not together, not really separated. Agron had not told him to come get his things. There were no papers sent. There was no communication at all. Agron just ignored him. And each dismissal manages to hurt a little more.

Nasir wasn’t giving up on them. He could never give up on them, he loved Agron. He wasn’t stopping for good but he just had to take a break. He had to take a step back to keep fighting or he would have nothing left to give.

**++**

“Why the hell are you dodging me?” Mira asked when Nasir finally answered her third call. It was the first time Nasir had talked to her since everything happened. He had been avoiding her.

“I’ve been busy.” He replied.

“Bull shit! You’ve been avoiding me.”

“No, I...” Nasir began.

“Nasir, I know what’s going on….You don’t have to hide from me.” She said sincerely. “We are friends too.”

“Yeah,” Nasir acknowledged, a little smile crossed his face before quickly fading. “I just figured you were calling to rip into me.”

“The first calls maybe, but now I’m just calling to make sure you’re coming to Naevia’s party tomorrow.”

“Fuck!” Nasir muttered and sighed.

Naevia had passed her USMLE and was now a registered physician. They were throwing her a ‘graduation’ party, so to speak. Nasir had completely forgotten about it even though he and Agron were paying for most of it. Nasir really hadn’t talked to anyone but Chadara.

There was a knock at the door.

Speak of the devil, it was probably Chadara. She was coming over with ‘take out and distraction’.

“I forgot.” Nasir admitted.

“Yeah I thought so.” Mira said dryly.

“But I don’t think I’m going.” Nasir said as he walked to the front door.

“What?!” Mira nearly shouted.

“I don’t have to be there. You guys are like family and I’m…and Agron will be there…”

He opened up the door and let Chadara in. He mouthed ‘Mira’ and Chadara rolled her eyes—they were not the best of friends.

“You’re both killing me,” Mira sighed. “Nasir, stop with this bull shit! You know we love you. Yeah you fucked up, bad, but that’s really between you and Agron. Naevia still loves you, and so do I. Plus it’s not about Agron, or you, it’s about Naevia. She will want you there. This is such a huge accomplishment for her, you cannot miss it. You don’t have to stay long but you need to be there.”

“Yeah, but...”

“Nasir, I’m not asking.”Nasir sighed. “I gotta go. Love you!” She hung up the phone before Nasir could say another word.

Chadara had brought enough Chinese food for six people and movies, even though it was just the two of them in Nasir’s little hotel room. It was a nice reprieve from sulking in the bed, even though crappy movies and take out reminded him of Agron.

“What did she want?” Chadara asked after he set his phone down.

“Oh, just reminding me about Naevia’s thing tomorrow.”

“Oh yeah… you forgot?”

Nasir nodded.

“We’re still going though, right?”

“No,” Nasir said sadly. “I can’t. I can’t be there…near him… without him. You know?”

“Yeah but it’s for Naevia, not him. She will want you there.”

He nodded again, staring at the floor, and sighed.

“What do you mean ‘we’?” Nasir said suddenly, back tracking to what she had said. “When were you going?”

“Uh….” She trailed off and started breaking apart egg rolls. Her mouth twitched and she looked around the room to avoid him.

“Chadara?”

“Donar,” She shamefully admitted. Donar and Chadara hook up every now and then, usually when she was lonely and desperate and he had no other option. She would love to be more than a fuck buddy but Donar was not a one woman man. He just wasn’t and he probably never would be.

“Chadara.” Nasir said, immediately exasperated. He had been through this scene so many times.

“I know…. I know.” She said disappointedly.

She could do so much better, she deserved so much better. Usually Nasir would have lectured her, warned her, scolded her, etc. but he had no place to judge her. He had no right and no room to judge anyone.

“Why can’t you just go on your own?”

“Well, they’re more your friends…”

“Agron’s friends,” He interjected.

“Yeah, exactly, plus Mira hates me.” She added.

“She does not, she just doesn’t…. understand you.”

“Ugh... she’s such bitch.” Chadara huffed.

“Chadara!” Nasir scolded but smirked a bit. Mira did have a certain air about her. You either admired it or hated it.

“Whatever. So I can’t go alone…. Pus it might do you some good to see people, people you like, not just people at work. You’ve been holed up here for days.”

“They’re Agron’s friends…. They won’t want to see me.” Nasir said.

“Naevia will. You know she will. And everyone else probably won’t even know about you guys. It’s not something you’d tell people….”

Nasir nodded.

“Just an hour or so won’t kill you….”

**+++**

Nasir couldn’t remember agreeing to attend the graduation party but the next night he found himself showering and getting ready. He had bought some new clothes for work so he didn’t have to go home to get clothes.

The party was in Naevia and Crixus’ backyard. Mira had transformed the 3 acres into quite the location. Everything looked great and Nasir felt a little guilty for bailing on Mira and the party planning, but he could barely get out of bed and go to work let alone help with a festive event.

Everyone they knew plus some other unfamiliar faces was there. Oenamaus and Spartacus were laughing with Crixus, who had his arms around Naevia and beamed with pride. Lugo, Donar, Saxa and Varro were nursing empty beers bottles and arm wrestling. Melitta and Aurelia were talking by the outdoor fire place. Ganicus was chatting up some red head, and Mira was barking orders at some poor waiter. They were all doing various things but they were all sort of clustered together—except for Agron and Duro. They were more next to the group then in the group.

Nasir gulped and approached them nervously, trying to mentally brace himself for disappointed faces, disgusted looks and cold shoulders.

“Hey.” He said meekly, barely audible to his own ears.

Everyone turned around to him and, surprisingly, they all had happy or surprised looks and smiles on their faces, Agron had not told them. They were all glad to see him, well, everyone but Agron and Duro. Agron looked away and Duro anxiously stared at Agron like he could erupt at any moment.

“You’re alive!” Spartacus said cheerfully, clasping his shoulder and pulling him into a side hug. He smiled widely. Spartacus had always been fond of Nasir, even before Crixus and Donar. It was a relief to know that he was unchanged in his eyes, for the time being.

Mira ran over to Nasir and gave him big hug. She smiled warmly, but he could see glimmers of pity in her almond eyes. It said everything she couldn’t at the moment…

Naevia came over to hug him too.

“Congratulations!” Nasir said while in their embrace but kept his eyes on Agron who still would not look at him.

“Thank you,” she whispered in his ear, soft and low. It wasn’t thanks for funding the party or saying congratulations but for coming to support her despite what he was going through. When she pulled from him she ran her hand down his arm and gave his hand a squeeze. He smiled faintly.

  
Everyone greeted him and fussed at him for being M.I.A. It was a great relief even though it was based on their ignorance.

Nasir walked up to Agron hesitantly, unsure of what he would say or do. His heart gradually slowed its rhythm and thumped loudly in his chest. He heard the others resume conversation, not worried about them because to their knowledge they were still ‘them’, Agron and Nasir, together.

Agron had this emotional wall built up around him, against Nasir. Nasir could feel it. He could physically feel the wedge and distance between them even though they were closer to each other than they had been in nearly two weeks. He couldn’t tell if Agron was angry or sad or anything. He was closed off to him.

“Agron,” He said humbly. His breath halted after speaking, like that was the only thing he could say.

Agron met his eyes briefly, barely a split second, scoffed and then walked away without a word.

Nasir’s heart dropped to his stomach. Not one word and barely a look.

Duro followed Agron. He touched Nasir’s shoulder as he passed by, silently apologizing for his brother.

“What the fuck was that?” Donar asked no one in particular. He had been watching them though no one else had.

“Donar, you want another beer?” Chadara asked, diverting his attention from Nasir and Agron. She pulled him away from the group.

Nasir took a deep breath, trying to keep himself together. He felt cold and rejected and it took everything in him to keep breathing and not leave the party

“Hey,” a sweet voice said to him, dragging him from drowning in his thoughts. It was Naevia. She rubbed his arms. “I’m sorry.” She whispered.

“Don’t be… I deserve it.”

“Maybe…,” She said and turned him around to her. “But that doesn’t mean he should do it.” She gave him another long hug. He took a deep breath and collected himself in her arms.

“Better?” she asked as she pulled away.

He nodded.

“It’s hard.” He whispered. “And it hurts.”

She nodded and hugged him again. “I know. But you’ll get through it… You both will. He loves you.”

Nasir nodded again, and smiled a little.

“Come, I have someone that does want to see you!” She shifted gears and tone swiftly. Naevia pulled him through the crowd of people to where Janus, Jacob, Kylie and Naya were playing.

As soon as they were in sight Naya, Naevia and Crixus’ 5-year-old daughter, ran to Nasir.

“NASSSIR!” She squealed, her long kinky curls bouncing as she ran.

Nasir knelt down and scooped her up in his arms. She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tight. “Where have you been?!” She exclaimed.

“I’ve missed you!” He said and rocked with her. Naevia just giggled at their dramatic reunion. You would think Nasir just came back from war and Naya had been waiting fearfully for him to come home.

“How are you princess?” Nasir asked as he walked over to a chair to talk with the little girl alone.  
No was sure why by Naya and Nasir had a special bond.

As a result of that, or being her father’s child, she didn’t like Agron very much. She would often sit between Agron and Nasir when they got too close. Or call Nasir to her if they were kissing or touching. Agron called her a little CB, a double entendre because Crixus’ last name was Baudin. He was only out of the everlasting dog house when he gave her a ride on his shoulders putting her 7ft in the air.

With Naya, Nasir could forget his mess for a little bit.

**++++**

Chadara had finally wrangled Nasir from Naya. Donar had blown her off for some hot brunette and she was not about to stand around the party alone.

They sat more toward the open area of the backyard, away from the crowd, observing the festivities instead of participating. Nasir swore he could feel eyes on him but whenever he looked up Agron was not looking at him. He was always talking to someone, or really they were talking at him. Agron looked detached and miserable. He was not paying attention to whatever the person was saying.

Nasir turned his focus to Chadara, who was rambling about the girl Donar was talking too. He sighed, feeling even more defeated than before he came, Agron wouldn’t even look at him.

“I’m ready to go.” He interrupted her spiral. “I feel like I can’t breathe…” He stood up quickly. “I need to need to get out of here.”

“Yeah me too, I’m getting drunk… and pissed. And I’m not trying go there.”

“Alright then,” Nasir said. His eyes wandered from Chadara, to Naevia and Mira and then over to Agron again making one last desperate attempt… and he caught him! Agron’s green eyes were watching him but quickly looked away when they met Nasir’s eyes.

Nasir took one hopeful step forward, instinctually, but paused.

Agron said something to the person talking to him, then walked away and entered the house.

“Wait.” Nasir said abruptly, grabbing Chadara’s her hand.

“What?!”

“Agron just went inside, alone, maybe I can talk to him.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” She asked hesitantly. “He still seems pretty pissed.”

“Yeah but, if I can talk to him face to face, alone… I can see where he’s at, how he feels….find out something…You know? I fucking hate not knowing...”

She twitched her mouth and thought for a moment….  
“Yeah.” She finally answered reluctantly. “But be…” she stopped talking. Nasir was already walking briskly through the crowd and into the house.

**+++++**

As soon as Nasir shut the door behind him everything seemed to mute. He could still see everything through the glass of the door but he could not hear the dozens of people outside laughing and drinking, the children running about or the dog barking…. All he could hear was the silence of the house and his heart trying to leap out his chest with each thunderous beat. His muscles tightened with anxiety and nerves; he wasn’t sure could do this.

It was quiet and dark inside the house but when he turned around he saw Agron’s form in front of and facing the front door.

Nasir froze.

Agron stood there, a large, obscure figure lit only by moonlight. It seemed like he was waiting for something—with one hand on the doorknob and the other pressed flatly against the door, pulling and pushing at the same time. He seemed unsure of what he really wanted to do, so he stood, struggling in a stalemate.

”Agron?” Nasir asked nervously. He took a few tenuous steps toward him, then paused.

Agron did not turn to acknowledge him. He did not speak. He did not move.

He had not been this close to Agron since he was thrown out of their house, and it was strange. They were physically close but emotionally…. Emotionally they were miles away.

They both stilled for a moment—a heavy, staggering, moment, both quiet and loud—before Agron turned to him. His face was half hidden in the darkness. Nasir tried desperately to meet his eyes and connect with him but Agron stayed in the cover of shadow.

He had wanted this for so long and now that Agron stood before him, he was speechless. He felt that thing between them had weakened. That thing between them that had kept them together for 6 years that strengthened them as people, protected them from the world and comforted them, was devastated and fading.

Agron turned to leave.

“Agron, wait!” Nasir said, still unsure of what to say but he had to stop him from leaving. “Can we talk? Please?”

Agron exhaled and turn back around to him. Even though Nasir could barely make out his features in the dim light, he could tell that Agron gazed at him with anger and pain. It crept over his skin and pierced through him. He shivered. He had to get them out of the dark.

“Can we go outside, on the front porch? I don’t want to be in the dark.” Nasir said softly, speaking more metaphorically than literally.

Again Agron just stood there, stuck, because everything in his being was screaming at him to go and shouting at him to stay. His conflict made him angrier. He thought he had gotten a hold of his damn emotions. He thought he was almost over the anger or at least able to hide it. But seeing Nasir made everything come back to him—the anger, the betrayal, the sadness, the jealousy and… the love. Every emotion washed over him and he couldn’t think or sort himself out to deal with it—to deal with Nasir.

Agron opened the door and walked out on to the porch—the motion sensor light turned on. He briefly hesitated but then decided, and, left the door open behind him so Nasir would follow.

They stood on the porch for a while… Agron still looked away and Nasir just stared at him—studying his handsome face and remembering the dimples in his cheeks when he laughed and the slight crinkles in his eyes. Agron leaned against the brick, his hands pinned between him and the wall. Nasir stood against the opposite wall. It was all so awkward and wrong.

“I...” Nasir began timidly, his voice ragged and too small for the gravity of the situation. He cleared his throat. “How are you?” he asked.

Agron’s brows furrowed. He scoffed and then looked away.

It was probably the most inane thing Nasir could have said but all his words, all his thoughts, were racing through his head. He couldn’t get a grip on what he wanted to say, what he _should_ say. Agron was right there, standing right there—that had to mean something. Even if he didn’t listen he had no choice but to hear Nasir. Hear the pleas and apologies and explanations and the declarations that spun in his head.  
But they never materialized into words. Nasir said nothing.

Nasir was worried. What if what he had to say wasn’t enough? What if Agron didn’t listen to him? What if he didn’t care? They couldn’t stay in limbo forever but Nasir didn’t know if he could bear knowing.

“I…” Nasir began again. He took a step forward but the back door flung open startling him, and Lugo came stumbling out of the house.

“The party is good.” He said in his thick accent, slurring and wavering a bit. “I’m going to get my cigarettes.” He informed them pointlessly.

Agron nodded, and Lugo stumbled on his way, completely oblivious to the tension between them.

“Can we talk?” Nasir managed to croak out—his voice still sounded scared and inadequate.

Agron’s brows rose in confusion. “I’m here.” He said nonchalantly, perfectly projecting a false apathy.

“No, I mean where we can be uninterrupted.”

Agron sighed heavy. “I don’t know….” He replied. The ambiguous response was really the most truth he could give Nasir right now. He didn’t know. He didn’t know if he was ready to listen. He didn’t know if he wanted to listen... He knew the drill; he’d seen it several times before. He knew what Nasir would probably say…. But will it matter? The fact would still remain. The betrayal would still wrench his heart. And he would probably still be in a million pieces.

“When?” Nasir blurted out, his desperation taking control for a brief second. “I mean ….I mean will you ever…?”

Agron took a deep breath and ran his fingers through his short hair. He shifted his weight and stared at the street, still avoiding looking at Nasir. Nasir’s eyes were wide and watery, moving all over Agron's face looking for a glimmer of something—something besides hesitation and indifference. But Agron couldn’t give him anything else right now.

Nasir couldn’t tell what he was thinking. He couldn’t feel what Agron was feeling. It was scary wading into the unknown of a person you knew, a person you love.

But Nasir figured he did know why Agron did not answer.

Agron had either made his mind up and didn’t want to end their relationship at a friend’s party. Or he really didn’t know what he wanted….

“Okay,” Nasir said quietly, releasing Agron from having to answer. “Okay.” He repeated and slowly turned from Agron and began walking to his car.

“Just…” he began, stopping in the middle of the walk way and turning back to Agron. “Just know that I love you… I know that you love me. I know it’s still there…. _I feel it_... I’ll wait for as long as you need. I think there’s still a chance and I won’t stop…. But please…” Nasir paused, unsure if he should say this or if he had the right too…but it was his greatest fear, he had to…. He gulped the emotion lumping in his throat and spoke earnestly. “…Please don’t let me try for nothing…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Janus and Jacob are Aurelia and Varro's kids. And Kylie is Spartacus and Sura's little girl. Just in case you were wondering! ;)


	10. Elucidate and Concede

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is that light in the tunnel?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wanted a little baggage. We all got it, so does Agron!

“I didn’t say anything,” Agron said, recalling what happened at Naevia’s party. “I just couldn’t. I didn’t know what the fuck to say…..So I didn’t say anything.”

He sighed and broke a tortilla chip in his barely eaten nachos. An hour ago he was starving. Duro had demanded that they hang out and get Agron out of the house, so they were having dinner at Agron’s favorite Mexican restaurant. They talked about whatever for a bit but the conversation eventually wandered to him and Nasir.

“Do you think I am being … unreasonable?” Agron asked, still staring at his food. “Sometimes, I feel like an asshole for avoiding him…but I just...” His trailed off and glanced at Duro hoping he would know what he meant without having to say it because he really didn’t know what he meant.

Duro watched him patiently and curiously, waiting for his thought. Agron knew he really didn’t know much about relationships, besides the fact that he was secretly in love with Mira. He probably didn’t know what the hell Agron was talking about and he probably just wanted to finish his fajitas in peace. Agron wished Mira was there to read his mind and advise him.

“Fuck!” Agron muttered and sighed heavily, dropping his fork on the glass plate. “Never mind, I don’t even know why I ask you.”

“Hey! Screw you!” Duro replied. “I’m good for something! I may not know much about relationships but…. I know you. I know you... and… I will tell you when you are being an ass!” He remarked. Agron snorted and smiled slightly.

They quieted for a second…

“Well?” Agron asked impatiently.

Duro’s expression blanked. He opened his mouth to speak but then paused and shrugged—which Agron knew meant that Duro knew exactly what he wanted to say but didn’t want to say it.

“ _Am I_?” Agron asked incredulously, not expecting Duro to agree with him.

Duro sighed and sat back from the table. His face was serious and his mouth was twitched to the side like he had been holding this in for a while and he knew Agron was not going to like it.

“I think,” Duro began cautiously before meeting Agron’s glaring eyes. “And don’t fucking rip my head off, alright?”

Agron scoffed and rolled his eyes.

“I think you’re justified…but… I…” Duro paused. He was stalling, dragging out whatever he had to say.

“Duro, if don’t fucking talk to me….” Agron warned him.

“I think you’re letting some other things, separate from this, affect you.” Duro declared.

“What are you talking about?!”Agron asked completely confused.

There was another long pause. Agron was about ready to strangle Duro but he finally spoke.

“Dad,” he said quietly, “…And mom.”

Agron jerked back in the booth as if the words and the notion both shocked and hit him in the chest. His face scrunched up and he glared angrily at Duro.

“The fuck you talking about!?” Agron snapped, his mood immediately shifting from somber and troubled to fury. The mere mention of their mother always affected Agron the same—always volatile, always painful.

“What the fuck?!” Agron spat, barely controlling himself.

“Look,” Duro began, staring back at Agron, unconcerned with the pending eruption. “I know how you feel about relationships and infidelity and all that shit. I know. I was there, remember? I know the back and forth…. I’ve never even been cheated on… but I know the pain.”

“Not like me,” Agron interrupted him. “You couldn’t….”

Duro took a deep frustrated breath. “Yeah, maybe not… But there has to be more to it than just cheating. It has to be!” He said adamantly. “Nasir wouldn’t just do something like that…. I think you’re not really thinking about _why_ it happened… so you’re not sympathetic…er...empathetic…or whatever, you know? You’re not trying to understanding him. _And_ I think you are afraid that if you do try to understand or try to forgive Nasir, you’ll be like dad.”

Agron rubbed his eyes and exhaled heavily, fighting the validity of Duro’s words.

“No, I don’t want to be like dad.” Agron said after a while. “But what does…”

“Nasir is not mom.” Duro said frankly. “And you’re not dad.”

Agron grimaced and scoffed. “This is bullshit!”

“It’s the fucking truth,” Duro said earnestly.

“…You… I…” Agron began but huffed and shook his head instead. He was speechless. The weight of the words sank into his thoughts. And he couldn’t argue with Duro….. Because….. he was right. It was irritating, upsetting and shocking. Not about his mom—what Nasir did automatically made him think of his mother and what she did to them—but deep down it’s what their father did that scared him.

Having your love hurt you, cheat on you, and abandon you, over and over again… Feeling so depressed that you couldn’t get out of bed in the morning, drank yourself stupid and neglected your kids… Loving someone so much that you forgave them, you actually found it in your heart to forgive all the shit they did, that you wanted to begin rebuilding the ruins….only to be devastated again. Broken promises or promises to empty to sink into your mind and heart to believe them—time and time again—broke their dad.

It broke their dad and Agron was cut with the shards.

Agron put his dad to bed when he was passed out on the couch. Agron made sure Duro got dinner and breakfast and wasn’t late to school. Agron had to kick their mom out of the house for his dad and Duro. She messed them over so many times that he became immune to her. But his father never seemed to wise up or toughen up and Duro didn’t really get it until he was older. So Agron was their protector.

He had carried the baggage for so long. He never yielded to love. He never really had relationships before Nasir. Not because he didn’t know how to be in a relationship, he just never saw the point in investing time and energy into someone—giving yourself to someone and giving them a chance to hurt you.

He had walls—miles high and meters thick—for years until Nasir. Nasir was the first man that didn’t have to climb the walls. They plummeted for him. Agron wanted to love him and he wanted Nasir to love him. It just happened… It just was…. It was easy. It was always easy….

And now that it was hard… Now that it had dragged up the things that made Agron deny himself love in the first place, the things that had made him question love, he didn’t know what to do. He thought he had stopped projecting his past onto his present, but he hadn’t. It was fueling him... He was afraid of becoming their father. It was not totally irrational, but it was completely unfair to Nasir and their relationship.

“He’s not mom,” Duro reiterated gently, breaking Agron’s spiraling thoughts. “He really loves you.”

Agron nodded slowly and exhaled.

“I love him Duro.” Agron whispered. “I fucking love him so much…I could be that person. I could be dad. I could be that weak, addicted person to him.”

“Yeah… yeah, you could…” Duro said seriously, because it was true. “But Nasir won’t let you be that person. He loves you.”

Agron nodded

“And he did tell you…” he added.

Agron scowled at him.

“I’m not saying he deserves a medal for telling the fucking truth,” Duro continued. “But I think it does say something that he wanted to be honest with you. He didn’t want you looking like a fucking idiot. And he wants to try and work on things.

“I know it’s hard. I know what he did hurts and scares you, and it may be unforgivable. It may be….. But you gotta try to forgive him anyway. Not just because he’s sorry, but because you love him and you won’t be happy without him.” Duro said indubitably before sitting back in the booth and taking another swig of beer like he had just spoken the gospel.

Agron stared at him in disbelief... He **did** just speak the God’s honest truth.


	11. Provoke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to my beta, Albicocca.

Yet another function that Agron was supposed to attend together was approaching. Well, really Agron was contracted to attend. His agent—his new agent—David, was able to get him out of his other obligations in the last few weeks but the event organizers refused to release Agron from his commitment.

  
Being young, talented, gay and out (but not “looking” gay and out), had its drawbacks. But it wasn’t the whispers or glares that he sometimes got when he entered a room, or the occasional homophobic insults yelled at him from the stands. It wasn’t the even dumb ass repetitive questions people would ask him on red carpets and interviews. It was over inclusion.

  
Agron was always invited to everything—every benefit, every ceremony, and every announcement. He had at least twelve more events annually than Spartacus, and Spartacus was arguably the best player in the league. Events were part of the job, he wasn’t complaining but he hated being dressed up and asked to perform like the prized, token gay monkey. And without Nasir at his side, he would have to face it alone.

  
“Mira, I need you to go with me.” Agron begged her over the phone, one day before the event.

“I know you don’t want to be alone but you’ve been to a ton of these things,” she said, snacking on something crunchy right in his ear. “Why do you need me?”

“David just told me that Emor is one of the backers for this damn thing.”

“Well I know you hate them, but so? Just show up, smile, then eat and drink up all their shit!” she quipped.

“Mira,” Agron said. “Emor. Nasir. He’ll be there.”

“Oh...” Mira said softly. “Well you got through Naevia’s…”

“Fucking Michael is going to be there too.” Agron cut her off.

“Oh shit,” she said immediately. Now she got understood what Agron was worried about. It wasn’t seeing or just being around Nasir—which already made him uneasy—it was seeing Michael. It was seeing the man that Nasir betrayed him with, the man that sullied something so cherished by him, so intimate and special to him. Mira was actually surprised the guy was still walking around unscathed as it was. Agron had a ferocious and swift temper…..To have all three of them in a room…there was no telling what Agron would do. And from what she knew, Michael was just enough of an asshole to try him.

“What time?” She asked without further questions.

**++**

“You look great!” Mira exclaimed when Agron got out of his car. He handed the valet his keys and gave her a timid smile even though he was anxious as hell. “Seriously, I’m so used to you in bruises and sweat, and sweats or gear that I sometimes forget how handsome you are.”

He rolled his eyes. “Thanks.”

“Are you ready?” She asked.

Agron sighed. He had a bad feeling about this; he felt it in his gut. His heart seemed liked it was beating miles a second and his whole body was tense and alert. He would do anything to not have to deal with this.

“Is he in there?”

Mira shrugged. “I haven’t been in yet and I haven’t talked to him. He may not even come.”

“Emor is throwing this remember?”

“Right, but they are just a partner. He may not have to be here.” She said matter-of-factly, trying to ease his mind.

“He’ll be here,” Agron said glumly.

**+++**

There were so many people in there that he, fortunately, had not seen Nasir or Michael yet.

After making a quick round of the attendees, making sure that the people who expected him saw him, he resigned himself to a somewhat secluded table in a corner.

Mira tried to keep him preoccupied but it wasn’t working. He tried not to wallow in his misery; he really made an effort to smile big and look the part he was paid to play. But he and Nasir always attended these things together. He and Nasir would make fun of all the pretentious rich assholes and posers together—even though Agron was pretty damn rich himself he lacked the plastic pomposity (yeah, he and Nasir both laughed when Nasir came up with that word one drunken night). Agron was just a lucky, talented guy from Neuwied, Germany, a little town just east of the Rhine. They would drink and eat the most expensive stuff they could find and usually ended up fucking each other’s brains out in a closet or store room.

Dressed like this, in a place like this without Nasir was awkward and uncomfortable—even more so than Naevia’s party. He was lonely and nostalgic, and he missed Nasir tremendously. It was strange walking in without holding Nasir’s hand. Sometimes he would swing their arms and skip like a 3 year old just to make Agron laugh and distract his nervousness. Posing for the cameras was just awkward without Nasir tucked under his arm, fitting so perfectly and rubbing his lower back. And then to top it off, what Duro had said echoed in his mind making him think and sink more.

So much time had passed that Agron felt like he didn’t know how to talk to Nasir anymore. It wasn’t even a matter of should he—he felt like he actually didn’t know how. Things were difficult and foreign between them. They weren’t even them anymore. How do you deal with that? He didn’t know how to overcome the anxiety that rushed to his heart and shut down his brain when Nasir called or was near him.

He just didn’t know how.

**++++**

Nasir was on his way to the restroom when someone called his name.

“Nasir!”

He halted, immediately wishing he could disappear. The voice was low, dissolute and too familiar. He knew who it was without turning around.

He tensed and felt cold and heavy.

He turned around to Michael—six feet, green-eyed, reddish brown hair—leering at him. He hadn’t seen or talked to Michael since they slept together. Nasir had quickly skulked out of the bed as soon as they had finished. Michael had tried to get him to stay but the smog had cleared, the trance broken, and he couldn’t get away fast enough. His body had its release but his heart and mind filled with betrayal and regret. It literally covered his skin and he was disgusted with himself. He was too ashamed to look at his mistake in the hard light of the morning, let alone talk to him, so he avoided him.

“Hey you!” Michael said cheerfully, reaching out for an embrace. Nasir held out his hand, trying to be polite as possible because he did not want to touch him. He was stained enough as it is.

Michael looked down at the offered hand and then up at Nasir. He cocked his head to the side and smirked a little. “Shaking hands? Really Nasir? We should be past that.”

Nasir laughed nervously, not really sure of how to handle this situation. His biggest mistake, a regret he will have forever, was standing there trying to hug him. Seeing Michael made Nasir feel sick. Agron had always disliked Michael for reasons unknown to Nasir… but Michael had never done anything to Nasir. Well, nothing malicious, he really hadn’t. And as much as Nasir wanted to blame him, hit him and curse him, it wasn’t Michael’s fault.

“Apologies, I’m… just… really busy.”

“I figured.” Michael said, stepping closer to him. He looked at Nasir intently, lustfully. “You haven’t returned my calls or messages.”

He grinned and Nasir turned from him.

Michael was hot, but the sight of him made Nasir’s guilt ossify and sink into the pit of his stomach. He thought about that night, what they did, what he should have done… And he thought about Agron.

“Nothing’s wrong, is it?” Michael asked as he touched Nasir, running his hand down his arm. Nasir shuddered, feeling shameful and dirty with those hungry eyes and hands on him. Michael was toying with him and he wasn’t about to play.

“Stop!” Nasir said adamantly and stepped back. He quickly looked to the left and right of him to see who was around or who may have been watching.

They had kept this thing quiet and it would remain that way.

Nasir huffed. “Look, I’m sorry for not responding but…” He trailed off, not knowing how to say what he wanted without sounding like an asshole.

“How is Agron?” Michael asked, balefully smirking, knowing the audacity of the question.

Nasir’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t.” He snapped.

Michael threw up his hands in surrender and chuckled. “Fair enough, I want to talk about you anyway.”

“I have to go.” Nasir tried to sidestep him but he followed.

“Don’t be rude.” He said.

Nasir stared at him in disbelief. “You know what happened between us…” He began slowly, keeping his voice low. “...was a one-time thing. It won’t happen again.”

“Hmmmm,” Michael purred, licking his lips and grinning. “Does he know?”

“None of your business,” Nasir replied, gruff and annoyed.

“So you haven’t told him.” Michael said rather than asked.

“Just stop! I’m married!” Nasir hissed.

“Yes. Yes, you are… but it didn’t stop you before.” He said with a smile.

Nasir winced and his mouth fell open. His hands balled into a fist, breathing roughly and barely resisting the urge to hit him in the face. It was an appalling and disrespectful thing to say… but… it was the truth. It was the horrible truth.

Michael’s dark green eyes ran all over Nasir’s body. Staring at him proudly and licentiously, like the piece of meat—like the conquest—Nasir was to him. And Nasir felt a new low emotion, something besides regret and guilt and fear.

He felt used and degraded.

Michael looked and smiled at him but it wasn’t just because of him, or wanting to fuck him. There was something more perverse behind it…. He smirked because he had one up on Agron—the ultimate one up and one over. Something that Agron could never live down. Something that Nasir started to think may be unforgivable.

Michael opened his mouth to speak but then his eyes shifted past Nasir.

Agron had come from around the corner.

“Hi Aggie!”He said in a cheerful and patronizing voice and waved.

Nasir washed with dread and every muscle in his body tensed….. He turned around to a furious Agron. Actually, furious was an understatement. Agron was searing and seething. His skin was flushed and lips pursed. His hands clenched into fists and released then repeated. And he was heaving air through his nose, like a caged bull.

“Agron. Agron wait,” Nasir tried to calm him.

“The fuck are you doing?!”

“Nothing…” Nasir replied frantically. “Talking.”

Agron’s brows furrowed and his eyes glossed over seeing only red. Agron wasn’t really there, just a shell filled with rage. He charged toward Michael. Nasir tried to grab his arm and pull him from his course but Agron swiped his hands away, bee lining for Michael.

“Agron stop!” Nasir pleaded.

Agron surprisingly obeyed. He paused, suspended in animation but still fuming. You could hear his breathing and feel the heat emitting from him.

“Your husband and I were just talking about you, right Nasir?” Michael said with a chuckle.

Agron cut his eyes at him.

“…About you and work and how one can sometimes interfere with the other… You know, when you have to put in those late, late nights.”

“Agron don…,” Nasir began to say but it too late. Agron snatched Michael up by the lapels of his suit, running him into the wall of a nook in the hallway and smashing his head against the plaster.

“You fucking bitch!” Agron shouted.

“So I’m guessing you did tell him?” Michael goaded.

“Shut the fuck up!”

“Agron!” Nasir yelled at him to no avail. “Fucking stop, he’s not worth it!”

Agron turned to Nasir with wide, frenzied eyes.

“Please,” he reinterated softly.

  
Agron looked back at Michael, whose shit eating grin alone pissed him off. He tightened his grip… but Nasir touched his shoulder. Agron looked back into the big brown eyes begging him. He sighed long and hard… and then let Michael go.

He took a step back, breathing wildly. He looked over at Nasir.

Michael coughed a bit. He rubbed the back of his head and straightened his suit. “Hey, you should thank me….” Agron turned to him confused. “…For taking care of yours when you couldn’t.” He smiled mischievously. “But, at least I now know why you married him.”

Instinctually, Agron’s fingers curled tightly, his arm lifted and he swung. In one hard fell swoop, Agron connected fist with flesh and bone. He punched Michael dead in the nose.

Michael’s head popped back, blood squirted and the fight happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What you all have been waiting for is next, I promised. ;)


	12. Clash

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The part you have all been waiting for......
> 
> Beta: Albicocca

Nasir blinked and found himself standing with Agron by their truck in the parking garage. The last fifteen minutes were a fast and messy blur that he would have to piece together later because right now all he could do was keep Agron from damaging something or hurting himself.

Nasir was calming down a bit. His hair and clothes were disheveled and his jaw hurt. He must have gotten hit but he couldn’t remember. He touched a finger to his tongue but found no blood.

Agron was still seething though, mouth bloodied, clothes torn with a swelling cut on his cheek. He paced back and forth like a caged bull surrounded by red.

_He saw them together. They were talking. Nasir let Michael fucking touch him. Agron’s mind swirled with all his fears, all the fury, all the images of what Nasir did and he gave into rage._

“Agron you HAVE to calm down!” Nasir implored him as he clomped back and forth. Nasir nervously kept an eye on the security guards watching them from at exit door. He bribed them so they wouldn’t detain Agron for the police and promised he’d get Agron out of there. He was just waiting on Mira to bring the keys from the valet.

“Here, here I’ve got them!” Mira shouted down the aisle, frantically walking as fast as five inch heels would allow her.

“Shit!” She muttered once she reached them, breathing heavily with her hand on her heart.

She handed the keys to Nasir but before he could say ‘thank you’ Agron snatched them from his hand and shoved past them both.

“Hey!” Mira groaned, stumbling backward.

“What are you doing!?” Nasir asked but receive only a glower in answer.

“You’re drunk, you can’t fucking drive!” Nasir said sternly.

“I’m not fucking drunk!” Agron snapped and opened up the door.

“Yes you are!”

Agron glared at him, annoyed, and Nasir stared at him, shocked. It was tense; both dug their heels in and stared each other down. Agron finally snorted and pulled the door open defiantly.

Nasir stomped over to him furiously and slammed the door shut—his brows knit tightly and his eyes narrowed.

“YOU’RE NOT DRIVING THIS FUCKING CAR!” Nasir shouted. Agron flinched slightly but remained brazen. “So give me the damn keys and I’ll take you home or sit your ass down and I’ll call a cab.”

He gawked at Nasir with his mouth open, surprised by his flash of anger. He looked over at Mira, who stared at them both wide-eyed and anxious, and then back to Nasir. He wasn’t drunk, but he had been drinking...he heaved a sigh, placed the keys in Nasir’s hand and grudgingly walked around to the other side of the truck.

**++**

It was the quietest, longest, and most uncomfortable 45 minutes of their life.

**+++**

Nasir was so in his head that he didn’t even remember taking the turns, streets and highways to get to their house. He almost didn’t notice a frustrated Agron leaning against the door with his head in his hands. He was deadly silent but Nasir could feel the tension emanating from him. It was awkward and Nasir coped by thinking—thinking of what to say, how to say it, anticipating what would happen and wondering if Agron would ever speak to him.

He pulled in to the garage and Agron immediately jumped out of the truck and slammed the door behind him.

When the door shut, Nasir exhaled, roughly—he hadn’t noticed he wasn’t breathing. His eyes fell on his white knuckled grip on the steering wheel and he released it. He looked up at the door apprehensively, now debating something terrifying…

_Should he leave or should he go in?_

He was so anxious and scared that he felt like he could pass out, but that was too convenient to actually happen. He could hear his heart thumping in his head. His palms were hot and clammy. His stomach was knotted and he couldn’t get his breath to steady. He didn’t think he could do this….

Nasir sat there for a while, trying to build up the courage to go into _their_ house…. He took a deep long breath and then finally opened the door….

He walked carefully up the four steps that led to their door and walked inside.

**++++**

It was quiet but all the lights were turned on.

He walked past the laundry room and the guest room and entered the family room. It was very clean and put together. Nasir was not sure of what he expected but orderly was odd for some reason—very unlike Agron.

The room _was different_ even though all the furniture was in place, and the TV and sound system was still there. Magazines were neatly placed on the shelf of the coffee table. The shot glasses were lined up and displayed in the liquor cabinet, which was almost empty… but besides that, everything was in place…everything was there….except…. all the pictures were gone. There was not one picture of them hanging on the wall or standing in a frame. It made the room look strange and artificial. Everything was there but them.

“What?” Agron asked tersely startling Nasir. He hadn’t noticed him standing in the kitchen throwing ice in a plastic bag. He had an emptied glass and an open bottle of vodka next to him.

“I…uh… I just…” Nasir stumbled. “I just wanted to see if you were okay… see if you needed anything...”

Agron snorted and shook his head. “Now you think about me,” he muttered.

“Agron, I always…”

“Did you think about me when you fucked Michael Tussca?” Agron asked so bluntly it cut.

Nasir’s mouth hung open, stunned for a moment… Then he clenched his jaw and lowered his eyes. He didn’t answer.

“Or should I say when you let him fuck you?” Agron asked scornfully and put the bag of ice on his cheek.

Nasir kept his eyes low and his lips pressed together.

“Didn’t think so,” Agron said, chuckling balefully, and poured himself another shot. He brought the glass to his lips but paused and then cocked his head to side. He set the drink down and just watch observed Nasir a minute before speaking again.

“Was it good?”

Nasir’s head jerked toward Agron, wide-eyed and mouth gaped. He MUST have heard wrong—he had to have heard wrong. Agron just stared at him fixedly; his head still tilted in curiosity.

Agron dropped the bag of ice and started walking toward him slowly. He had this dark look in his eyes; malevolent and aloof. Nasir’s eyes followed him as he walked around the counter and approached him, growing tenser with each step.

“Agron…” Nasir said uneasily, he started walking backward to _keep_ the space between him and Agron.

“Was. It. good?” Agron reiterated. “Was it worth it?”

That look in his eyes was too much. He hated that Agron looked like that, that he was looking at him like that. It broke his heart and scared him because it was so piercing and bitter.

Agron kept walking until he backed Nasir into the wall. He was so close that Nasir could feel the heat from his body and smell the liquor on his breath.

“Was it hard and deep?” Agron asked.

“Don’t.”

“Did he pull your hair? Did he kiss you all over? Did he fall asleep in you like you like?” Agron continued, taunting him cruelly.

“Agron stop!” Nasir croaked, breathing loud and heavy. Nasir put his hand up to Agron’s chest and tried to push him back but Agron fought him. They locked eyes, Agron staring him down with the power of the wronged and the indignant. Nasir turned from him. He couldn’t bear it, especially with Agron looking so cold and stabbing him with thoughts of that night. His hands stopped struggling and Agron just held his wrists between them.

“Tell me...” he whispered.

“Agron you’re fucking drunk….” Nasir said weakly.

“I’m not FUCKING drunk!” Agron shouted—hitting the wall with an open palm and taking a step back from him. “I WANT TO KNOW WHY YOU FUCKED HIM!”

“I don’t know.” Nasir said softly, too wracked with guilt to move. He deserved this torment.

“That’s fucking bullshit! You know! You fucking know!”

“Agron stop!” Nasir pleaded, his voice elevated and frantic. “We shouldn’t talk right now, we…”  
He tried to push past him but Agron grabbed his arm and pulled him toward him.

 **“WHY DID YOU FUCK HIM?!”** He shouted angrily.

“BECAUSE I WAS LONELY!” Nasir yelled back at him, staring wildly and heaving air. The words were deafening and echoed through their house.

Agron winced and his brows furrowed. His mouth hung opened for a second before he spoke.

“The FUCK?!” Agron spat out. “I never left you!”

“You don’t have to be alone to be lonely.” Nasir said quieter, softening his eyes but still watching Agron intently.

Agron took a step back, stunned, like Nasir had hit him.

“So you…” Agron started but his breathed began heaving. He shut his eyes and shook his head forcefully, trying to grab on to one thought, just one thought from the swarm in his head. “So when we had problems, instead of talking to me, instead of working on it like partners, LIKE MY FUCKING HUSBAND, YOU FUCK SOMEONE ELSE!?” He bellowed.

“I couldn’t talk to you, you wouldn’t let me! I was scared too…you’d either be drunk or I’d be too tired to fight with you.”

“So what are you saying!? This is my fault? I made you cheat on me, I made you hurt me?” Agron asked incredulously.

“No! That’s not what I’m saying! _I_ went home with him. _I_ slept with him. I’m married to you. It’s my fault!” Nasir screamed and gasped sharply.

“And I can’t blame you! I don’t even blame fucking Michael. I did it.” Nasir reiterated. “I did it…I was hurt. I was lonely. I was lost.”

“I was FUCKING HERE!” Agron shouted adamantly. “I was here!”

“You were physically here but you weren’t _with_ me. You weren’t Agron.” Nasir said frankly. “And you know you weren’t…. You didn’t care.”

Agron fell back another step till he hit the opposite wall. There they stood in the tiny hallway facing each other for the first time in months.

“I wasn’t myself... I was going through some shit,” Agron admitted reluctantly. “But you’re supposed to be there for me.” He added.

“But you didn’t lean on me, you used me. You used me to get through your shit.”

“That’s not what I was trying to do!” Agron said quickly.

“But that’s what you did Agron! That’s how I felt!” Nasir cried out. “And again, I can’t blame you for that because I let you. I took your shit and I let myself get lost for you because I thought that’s what I was supposed to do. But that’s not right, I should have spoken up for myself, _for us_ , and stopped it but I failed. I failed you and our marriage because I let myself get lost.”

Agron stared at him pained and speechless.

“…And then when I went to Emor, when I released you…you punished me…” Nasir continued.

“I didn't!” Agron said angrily.

“You did.” Nasir said simply, nodding his head and thinking back to the bleak time. “You begrudged me for that. It was my dream. I took it for me but it was for us too. And you weren’t happy or proud of me. You were mad or jealous or som….”

“Nasir I didn’t resent you for succeeding.”

“Then why did you stop? Why did you pull away from me and shut down? Do you know how that hurt me?! How I felt all the months without you?!” Nasir half sob with dark eyes and hot tears running down his face.

“You can’t blame it on the injury. You can’t blame it on the league. Because you know I don’t give a shit about those things. You are my husband. I would help you. I would get five fucking jobs to take care of us. THAT didn’t change you in my eyes. _You acting like you were alone changed **us**_!”

Agron opened his mouth to speak, to fight or defend himself…but… nothing came out. He had no words to say because… Nasir was right. Agron was mad and jealous and distant…. Nasir was completely and painfully right.

It became painfully quiet. Agron could hear the clock ticking each second growing heavier and heavier as the words sank in and he realized what he had done. He glanced around the room and took a deep, long breath.

“You’re right…I did change.” He acknowledged after a while. “But I don’t think I was… _spiteful_.” The last word fell from his mouth incredulously, almost requesting confirmation.

“I think you were,” Nasir said, his voice still low but more even tempered. “I think you were trying to get back at me just like you did with that guy the other night….”

“We’re separated, that doesn’t fucking count Nasir!” Agron snapped.

“Did you fuck him?” Nasir asked.

Agron glared at him and clenched his jaw. Again they locked eyes, fighting wills, pitting fault against fault but this time Agron had to look away.

“I was horrified when I saw you with him…to see you touch him and kiss him, in our house…And then you ignored me… I was devastated. I felt like I couldn’t breathe and I cried myself sick. And I beat myself up because I thought I deserved it. I did that to you, so I deserved it.….

“I thought about it for days, worrying that it was completely over, scared that you already were trying to get over me.” Nasir inhaled sharply, pausing and narrowing his eyes as if he had to remember his next thoughts.

“But after Naevia’s party….I realized you hadn't slept with him. I don’t know how or why I felt that… maybe I was just hoping, but I felt that you were still conflicted and hurt… and still loved me enough to not do that…. You just let me think that… to hurt me.”

Agron sniffed and nodded slowly still speechless.

“I am not excusing what I did…. I just want you to know it wasn’t….I didn’t want to hurt you. It was for me, was about me.”

“Nasir. How do you do something like this and not mean to hurt me? How does that fucking work?? You hurt me in the worst possible way— _the worst way_!” Agron’s voice broke.

“You know me, you know how I feel about this—what I went through with my fucking mother…. I can’t understand how you could do this. How you could let someone come between us…. You could have left me before you cheated on me…. It’s the worst thing.” Agron shook his head.

 _His mother_ , Nasir now looked staggered and instantly felt sick. He hadn't even thought about that....

“Agron…,” Nasir whispered, but now he was wordless.

“I look at you… my life and my love.” Agron looked at Nasir pitifully, sadness and tears filling his eyes. “…And I remember my mother—the one person I hate—who fucked me up and fucked over so many times, _who hurt me_. And I …”

“…And you can’t forgive me.” Nasir interjected somberly.

Agron shook his head slowly and wiped the tears from his face. “Whether I want to or not…. I don’t know if I can….”

It grew silent. The past few months, the past hour, sinking in like a lead ton. They had yelled and cut into each other and spilled all the fears, the worries, the blame and the regrets. Now they were left raw, drained and open.

“Agron I love you.” Nasir said quiet and sincerely from his soul.

Agron nodded.

“I never stopped, not even for moment.”

Agron nodded again. “….And I love you,” he said plain and genuinely.

It was silent again, but for the first time in ages it wasn’t thick and looming. It was just quiet, calm—emptied in a way. They both stood in the tiny hallway, bared to each other.

“So… what do we do now?” Nasir asked timorously.

“What can we do?”

Nasir shrugged and shook his head. _What could they do?_

Agron stared at the ceiling and sighed heavily. “I need some more time.”

Nasir nodded, he knew they wouldn’t be fixed in a night, if they could be fixed, but at least they talked….

Agron then walked into their bedroom and closed the door behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that was.... something. *sigh* I hope it meets your expectations. I did my best so I'm proud of it! I still have a couple more chapters to the story, but I havent written them yet. So this story will be on hiatus for a bit, maybe a week or two. 
> 
> Sorry but I got to recharge!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and commenting and kudo-ing. It is GREATLY appreciated!
> 
> Be back soon!


	13. Affect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiiii! I'm back! ;)
> 
> So sorry this took so long. Had to find my groove!

Someone had been knocking on the door and ringing the bell incessantly for a while now. Agron was trying to ignore them but they were not taking the hint so he finally, begrudgingly decided to see who was bothering him so early in the morning.

He stomped over to the door and peered into the peep hole. It was Mira and Duro. He sighed and opened the door, slightly.

“Jesus! You look like shit!” Duro declared loudly.

Agron’s cheek was swollen with a slight gash under his eye. His ribs hurt. He still had the copper taste of blood and the bitterness of vodka in his dry mouth. And he was still wearing last night’s torn clothes with various smears of blood. His head throbbed and his heart ached. He felt like he hadn’t really slept in months, made even worse by last night…. Agron felt like shit so he wasn’t surprised that he looked it.

“Why are you here so early?” He groaned and rubbed his eyes.

“Ummm… its 10:48.” Mira informed him. “And I tried to call you, to check on you, but once again you’re not answering the damn phone! Are you just going to leave us out here like hobos?”

“We brought breakfast!” Duro said quickly and lifted a large paper bag as a peace offering. “From ‘Mama’s’.”

Agron sighed and then opened the door wider for them to walk in.

“Damn,” Duro said, touching Agron’s swollen cheek and inspecting his face. “I thought you said Agron kicked his ass.” He said to Mira.

Agron frowned and waved him off.

“He did.” She said and walked toward the kitchen. “Where is Nasir?”

“He left hours ago.” Agron said as he followed behind her. Nasir had stayed in the hallway for a long time, a few hours at least, but then around 3 a.m. or so he left out the front door. The truck was still there so he probably took a cab. Agron had stayed in their bedroom the rest of the night.

“Oh…okay.” She said a little disappointedly. She walked over to Duro who was already munching on something he’d fished out of the bag, and pulled out her own food. “Well…. did you guys talk?” She asked.

Agron rolled his eyes and glared at her immediately.

“What?!” She asked incredulously. “I just want to know if you all talked, I’m not asking for details.”

“Yeah, we did.” Agron said dryly.

“Annndd?”

“And what?” Agron asked annoyed.

Mira eyed him suspiciously.

“You said no details.” Agron reminded her.

Duro snorted. Mira would never let him get away with that vague ass answer.

Mira cocked her head to the side. “Soooo?”

“So what!?”

“What are you guys gonna do?”

“Mira I don’t fucking know! And it’s none of your damn business if me and my husband can’t fix _our_ six year relationship that _we_ fucked up!” He barked.

Mira stared open mouth for moment, blinked hard and then walked back over to Duro without another word.

Agron took a deep breath. “Mira…..” He paused again and walked over to the table. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just… fucking exhausted….”

She nodded and gave him a small smile. “My bad…”

“…I really don’t know what I want to do.” He admitted more calmly, taking a seat next to her.

“It’s ironic because…. at first, I was thinking it would be me having to forgive him. I was on a high horse or something, like he was the only one who fucked up… but now I realized, I messed up too. I need forgiveness too...it’s just a fucking mess.

“And I think he was feeling so bad about what he did that he’s been focusing so much on me and he hasn’t had time to really be angry at me, ya know? There are things that I shouldn’t have done, things that I need to make up to him…. He may not really want me back…”

“That’s crazy!” Duro interjected with a mouth full of pancake. “After that bullshit he did, how can be fucking mad at you?!”

“You don’t know…Our shit has been piling for months.” Agron said sadly.

“So you both fucked up?” Duro asked, almost interrogatingly.

Agron nodded.

“But you both love each other… sooo….” Duro trailed off and shrugged. Agron stared at him curiously, waiting for him to finish, but Duro stared at Mira, hoping she would actually finish for him. He was no good at all these feelings and talking and that was really the extent of what he had to say.

Mira smirked a bit and shook her head in disbelief.

“I think what our emotionally stunted Duro is trying to say is that if you love each other that is the most important thing. You need to keep talking to him and keep trying.” Mira said. “If it got fucked up over time it has to get fixed over time.”

“I’m just fucking pissed that we’re here, me and Nasir…. Like…. What the fuck?” Agron said.

“I know….” Mira said sweetly and rubbed his shoulders. “It happens though. It doesn’t mean either of you are bad people or that you shouldn’t be together. You just have to learn from the mistakes and work at being better and stronger.”

“Yeah…” Agron said quietly, swirling his finger along the wood grain of the table.

“It’s good you got everything out though—all the anger and blame and shit. Now all you have to decide is if you still want to be together. You’ll figure out the rest.” She smiled at him.

“Shit! Alright! This is getting too fucking sensitive for me.” Duro grumbled as he threw his hash brown down. “I feel like we’re on Dr. Phil or something.” Mira reached over the table to hit him but he dodged her and walked into the family room to turn on any kind of sports available.

Agron snickered a little.

“Hey! It may sound like clichéd crap but it’s the truth.” Mira remarked. “Stay open and keep talking to him.” She reiterated.

++

“Tell me everything!” Chadara said when Nasir opened the door.

“What are you talking about and why are you here so damn early?” Nasir groaned.

“It’s 11:13,” She said as she walked in the room. “You were still asleep?”

“No.” Nasir said despairingly. He hadn’t even attempt to sleep because he couldn’t stop thinking of everything. And even if he did sleep, like so many nights before he would fall into a deep, heavy sleep plagued with nightmares that only made him feel exhausted when he woke up. Sleep was hopeless so he didn’t even try.

“Good.” She replied and sat down in one of the chairs at the table.

“BUT I kinda want to be by myself right now.” Nasir said frankly.

“Be by yourself later.” She said just as frank. “We have to talk.”

“Chadara,” Nasir said exasperated, sitting on the little full size bed. “How do you even know? Please tell me some rag hasn’t posted the story already.”

“Nope. My friend was working the event. Did Agron really beat him up?”

Nasir was quiet and still for a second, then nodded. “Yeah… he did. It was bad. I’ve never seen him that mad before. I couldn’t calm him down. It took three security guards to get him off of Michael.”

“Wow. That’s crazy and… kinda hot.”

Nasir cut his eyes at her. “Chadara it was fucking horrible! He could be in so much shit because of it, because of me. It wasn’t hot.”

“Yeah, okay,” She said apologetically. “…… Sooo did you all talk?”

Nasir snorted and then lay out on the bed. He brought his hand to his forehead and rubbed his eyes, exhaling roughly. “We yelled, we cried….we fucking stared…..”Nasir looked at the ceiling entranced and dragged his fingers across his forehead and temples.

“Well, what happen? What did he say?”

Nasir sighed. “I don’t know… that he needed more time…. More space...”

“Well, that’s something, right? It could have been a flat out fuck you and fuck off.”

“He could still do that.” Nasir reminded her.

“Yeah but if he hasn’t done it by now, he won’t.” She said.

“Hopefully…”

“You guys just need to figure out how to like… start over or something.”

“Start over? How in the hell do we do that?”Nasir asked skeptically.

Chadara shrugged. “How in the hell should I know?”

Nasir rolled his eyes and sighed again.


	14. Release and Accord

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End

It was an ugly Saturday. The sky was gloomy and heavy clouds hung all the way to the horizon, mirroring Agron’s mood perfectly. It was that agitated, suppressed weather, stirring thunder, lightning, rain and air but not acting. It just lingered after the end of one storm and warned of another possible tempest.

Today was a hard day. Agron was feeling lost, anxious, and sad and he missed Nasir so much it hurt. He never knew how literal a ‘broken heart’ was until now.

He had been feeling like that way for weeks now, it wasn’t new, but for some reason today seemed harder. Maybe it was waking up on the couch again, still unable to sleep in their bed. Maybe it was because the house was so empty that he could hear the neighbor’s damn dog. Maybe it was because he finished off the bottle of Kauffman… He wasn’t sure why today was giving him so much more misery but he couldn’t stand it any longer.

He had to get out of the house. He needed to ride.

It had been months since he took his bike out. He and Nasir usually went riding together, Nasir got him into motorcycles in the first place, but he had to get out of the house. Maybe he could find clarity in the wind. 

He had begun training with the new team. They didn’t embrace him with open arms like his team, his brothers, but they were alright. No one gave him shit for being queer and that was usually the biggest step. He had been playing long enough that he at least had the respect that comes with seniority. But he was still at the bottom of this team, an outsider, a former opponent. It was hard starting on a new team, having to relearn rules, and relationships. It was frustrating and disheartening to say the very least.

He went to one of his favorite places to eat, a little barbecue house in Fullerton. Nasir had found the place on one of their aimless treks. Barbecue was Agron’s favorite. He had been there at least a hundred times since but he couldn’t make up his mind about what he wanted to eat. Then a guy walked in that looked so much like Nasir—not as handsome, shorter hair—but still, his heart drop to his stomach and he wasn’t hungry anymore. Agron paid for his undelivered food and then left.

He passed by a gym, maybe a workout would help. He got completely parked but didn’t have the motivation to get his muscles thrumming and his heart beat racing, so he rode away. 

The storm finally came, a drizzle at first but it grew harder with each hour. Agron was not dressed probably and nearly soaked through but he didn’t turn back. He just kept riding through the storm. 

Agron’s wandering somehow led him to the hotel. He didn’t plan on going there but when he snapped out of his daze he found himself across the street from the Shia Suites. 

He had gotten a call from the credit card company asking if he was aware of the hotel charges to his card. Twenty days at a hotel, eleven miles from his house was suspicious but mostly it was just sad. 

He walked into the lobby, still sort of dazed, trance like, and wet. 

“Can I help you?” The concierge asked suddenly, startling him. 

He hadn’t noticed her standing there watching him curiously. She was an older black woman with a little round body and an even rounder face. She smiled at him sweetly, and concerned.

“Are you alright?” She asked. 

“Yeah, um… I,” Agron started hesitantly, glancing at the hallway that led to the elevators then back at the woman. “I’m looking for a guest, last name Lohrenz.” 

“I’m sorry sir; I cannot reveal any guest information.” She said politely. “I can call the guest to ask…”

“No…Um… well he’s my… husband… and I ….” Agron trailed off, unable to finish. He didn’t know why he was there. Something in him needed to be near Nasir but he wasn’t sure if he was ready to talk.

“Uh…” He glanced at the woman dismally and sighed. “Never mind…Thanks.” He mumbled and then turned to walk away.

“Dark, pretty little guy, long hair?”

Agron turned back to her. “Yeah…” He said surprised. “How did you know?”

“Well, for one, he has the same sad look you got.”She said candidly, staring at him with pity in her soft eyes. 

Agron snorted slightly.

“Sorry,” She said quickly. Agron gave her a quick nod.

“Plus I recognize the name. He orders a lot of take out.” 

She eyed Agron carefully, reading him as if their story were etched on his face. She didn’t have to look long or hard, anyone could see the heartbreak in his eyes. She sighed, against policy but with her better judgment…. “230,” she said after a bit. 

“Thank you.” He said softly before walking down the hallway.

+++ 

It was another late night. Nasir was restless and he’d done everything he could do in the small room. He had eaten, taken a shower, washed his hair, read, worked…. He was tired and sleepy but he HATED being in that fucking bed alone. So he was up watching reruns on television passing the time till his eyes grew heavy and closed on their own. 

He, suddenly, decided to go get ice. It was late and he didn’t want to leave the hotel but he needed a break from the room.He grabbed the bucket and headed for the door. 

When he opened the door he jumped and his breath caught in his throat.

“Jesus!” He yelped. “Agron?! What are you doing? You fucking scared me!”

“I’m sorry.” Agron replied softly, his eyes to the floor and his hands pressed between him and the wall.

“How did you find me? What are you doing out here?” Nasir asked reflexively, still shocked by his presence. They hadn’t talked in four days, since the night of the event. Nasir had no idea where they stood. It was left open and uncertain, and Agron being here could only mean one of two things.

“Credit card…… and I’m not really sure….” He mumbled. “I’ve been standing here like a creep for about 15 minutes.” 

Nasir snorted slightly. “Do you want to come in?”

Agron glanced down the hall. He could feel Nasir’s big brown eyes begging him to stay, even though he could not see them. His chest tightened. He wanted to run… but… he took a deep breath and entered the room instead. 

Agron walked over to the dresser and leaned against it, taking a hard look at the small room before settling his eyes on the floor. He was very quiet, almost foreboding in a way. His hands clenched the edge of the wood. 

Nasir sat down on the bed, a little off center of Agron’s view. He wouldn’t have been able to see him anyway. His head was down and his eyes were nearly closed. It was tense. Agron’s body was stiff like he was controlling himself, holding himself back. 

Nasir didn’t know what to do or say. Agron had been closed off to him for the longest time…he couldn’t read him anymore, he couldn’t feel him. He had no idea where his head was at and he feared that this was going to be it. This was going to be that definite end that he had been dreading since this all came out. Agron telling him he didn’t want him anymore, Agron saying that he couldn’t forgive him. Nasir had thought uncertainty was the worst feeling but now as he looked at Agron, still sad and hurt but seemingly decided… he prayed for irresolution. 

Agron didn’t say anything though. He was dreadfully quiet. Nasir couldn’t even hear him breathe. But he couldn’t really hear anything over the beat of his heart, pounding so painfully in his chest that he felt it all the way to his toes. 

Suddenly, Agron sucked in air sharply. “Shit, Nasir.....” He shook his head and looked up at him with a redden face and wide eyes, tears falling down his cheeks. Nasir slightly gasped and immediately went to Agron. 

He cupped his face, brushing his thumb across Agron’s cheek. “Don’t, please don’t.” Nasir said pleadingly. Agron sniffed and then brought his hands to Nasir’s. He grazed his fingers against the back of his hands slowly and sighed heavily. It felt good, amazing really, to have Nasir touch him, to inhale his scent, and gaze into his eyes. Agron licked his lips and then swiftly closed the distance between them. 

They kissed. 

There wasn’t any movement at first, nothing sexual, just flesh upon flesh, a connection. Simple and pure and needed. They needed to be together. Agron moved first… but Nasir pulled away.

“Wait,” He whispered and took a staggered breath. “I don’t think we should do that.”

Agron looked at him, brows furrowed in confused and then he looked away with embarrassment.

“No,” Nair said quickly pulling Agron’s face back toward him. “I just don’t want you to regret anything in the morning. You are still unsure about me, about us…. and I don’t want to take advantage of that.”

“…I wish I could.” He added. 

A small chuckle escaped Agron. He sniffed, rubbed the back of his hand against his nose and then nodded. Nasir wiped away another tear.

“You want to talk or….”

Agron shook his head emphatically. “I don’t want to talk. I don’t want to think…. I just….,” Agron took a deep breath, slow and heavy like a weight was on his lungs. “…I just want to sleep.”

“Oh...” Nair said startled, that was the last thing he expected Agron to say. “Okay... sure.” He walked over to the bed and began arranging the pillows. “Right… so ..um,” Nasir scratched his head nervously. “I can sleep on the sofa. Or call for a rollaway….”

“Nasir,” Agron said firmly, stopping his prattle. He looked Nasir in the eye so honest and openly that Nasir’s breath hitched. 

“I need to sleep with you.”

A small smile crossed his faced and Nasir walked over to Agron standing massive and intimidating in the small room yet completely vulnerable. He needed him. Agron took off his jacket and pants and threw them on the chair. Nasir took his hand and then walked back to the bed with him.

They both laid on their usual side, Agron on the left and Nasir on the right. 

It took a while for them to get settled; usually Agron would just curl himself around Nasir and nuzzled into the nape of his neck. But they were not at that point so Agron faced the ceiling and Nasir curled next to him on his side staring at him closely. His eyes traveled from the corner of his eye, to his cheek, then down to the juncture of his neck and jaw, around his shoulders and then on down his torso before retracing. He couldn’t believe he was there with him, lying with him, so he didn’t want t take his eyes off him for a minute.

They were quiet for a while. Being in the same bed after so long was awkward and tense. And even though all the lights were off a street light kept them illuminated. 

“My feet are hanging off the bed.” Agron said suddenly. Nasir shifted a bit to see and then laughed.

“Why is this bed so damn little?” Agron asked chuckling a bit too.

But suddenly Nasir grew serious…. “Because I missed you,” He whispered. 

Agron turned to him, eyes still a bit glossy but he gazed longingly. He then adjusted his whole body toward Nasir. They faced each other on the bed, staring at one another until they fell asleep. Space was still there… but they were together.

++++

A blaring car alarm woke Agron up. 

He yawned and stretched his large body before opening his eyes. His muscles were cramped and stiff and his feet still hung off the bed, but he felt so rested. He hadn’t slept like that in months—still, weightless, uninterrupted sleep. 

He looked around the small room for a bit, remembering where he was and who he was with.  
He felt eyes on him and looked up to see Nasir watching him. His hair was down and wild. The sun was shining on his face and his amber eyes were so big and soft and deep that Agron couldn’t remember when he looked more beautiful.

“Hi,” Nasir said with a smile. 

“Hi,” Agron replied and smiled back. He slid up further on the bed, sitting up against the head board. “What time is it?”

“Eleven.”

“Shit! Why did you let me sleep that long?” Agron asked.

“You needed it.” 

“Hhmp,” Agron grunted and stretched again. “I guess I did…..Soooo….”

“So?” Nasir repeated.

“Do we talk now?”

“Not if you don’t want to.” 

“No…no, I want to.” Agron said, though his brows creased and he shook his head. “But I am not sure of what to say.”

Nasir nodded and exhaled. “Yeah.”

“We really fucked up bad didn’t we?” 

“I fucked up, Agron. You…” Nasir trailed off.

“No, we did. I know that. I’ve thought about it …a lot and I know I fucked up too.”

“But you just…. it doesn’t compare.” Nasir spoke softly, treading delicately. “I think distance happens…. It does. And I just needed to be stronger and wait it out and remember that you love me.”

“Well if I didn’t remind you, it is my fault. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry Nasir.” Agron said sincerely.

“I know. I forgive you….. I forgave you a while ago.” Nasir professed.

Agron smiled briefly but his expression soon blanked. 

Nasir opened his mouth to speak but paused. He was scared to ask what he wanted to ask, but he had to know. “What about me? Can you ever forgive me?”

Agron tensed and then turned from Nasir. 

“I….” he began. The words were right there, right on the tip of his tongue but he hesitated. 

“…Mira says that I need to just decide if I want to be with you and then we’ll figure out the rest…..” There was another long pause and now Nasir looked away from Agron. He couldn’t look at him saying what he knew was coming. “I still don’t know if I can forgive you….”

Nasir’s eyes instantly watered and he inhaled sharply. His fear was coming true and there was nothing he could do in his defense, or to fight. He deserved whatever Agron would say and he would respect his decision.

“….but…. I want to try.” Agron finished. Nasir snapped around to him in shocked and spat the air he held in his lungs.

“Agron,” Nasir said weakly, his voice breaking as the tears started falling. He breathed heavily like he just remembered how to breathe again.

“Hey, don’t you start.” Agron said gently, cupping his face and wiping his tears.

“Are you serious?” He asked. “Are you sure?”

Agron nodded slowly. “Yeah.” He smiled a bit.

Nasir kissed Agron’s hand repeatedly and smiled so big he felt like his face would break.

“I’m not sure how though.” Agron said with a shrug and pulled his hands from Nasir’s face.

Nasir missed his touch instantly. Frustration and sadness began setting back into Agron’s face and in his body language…. 

“We need a fresh start.” Nasir blurted out. 

“A fresh start?” Agron asked confused. “How do we start again after so long?”

“I don’t know.” Nasir confessed. “But I want you to be able to look at me and see me, the man who loves you, your husband, not any of the other shit... But we need time to get there. We have to get to know each other again.”

Agron didn’t say anything but watched Nasir intently, like he was really listening and so Nasir continued. 

“I don’t think I should come home just yet. I should stay here. I think we need to be separate, kind of find ourselves…. And we should talk and go out and just see… just see where we land, naturally. Take it slow…”

“You want to go steady with me?” Agron asked incredulously.

“Yeah,” Nasir said, chuckling a bit even though he was dead serious and tears were rolling down his face. “Yeah, I think it’s what we have to do, like learn each other again.

“I don’t want you to want me back because you’re lonely. You can not be lonely with anyone…. I want you to want me back because you love me. And because you trust me to love you.”

Agron turned to Nasir’s tear streaked face, his own eyes wide and watery.

“Grown men should not be crying like this.” He said as he wiped at his eyes, making Nasir sniff and chuckle a bit. 

“I’m serious though.”

“I know. I know you are,” Agron said. “I am too.”

A full smile broke through the tears and Nasir wished he could kiss him.

“But I don’t want you staying here.”

“It’s not that bad…plus if I get a place everyone will know and then people will talk.”

“I don’t give a shit about people talking Nasir. We are doing this for us, not people. You deserve better and we can afford better. Okay?”

“Okay,” Nasir nodded.

“Now, I’m starving… so how about we go on our first date?”

Nasir smiled again, even bigger than before. “I’d like that very much….”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that's it folks! I would like to give a huge thank you to my beta Albicocca! Who really had to pushed and challenged me at times but made the story better. 
> 
> And I would like to give a massive thank you to the readers, the comment-ors, and kudo-ers (:P) It really really means a lot that you took just a bit of your time to even read the story let alone leave a response or feedback. This is my first completed long fic, I am very proud that I pulled it off and that it was well received. Thank you so much!
> 
> I will post the epilogue sometime this week, hopefully. "See" you around!


	15. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just couldn't leave well enough alone!

Agron was surprised to find Nasir sitting in the middle of their bedroom floor when he entered the room. He thought Nasir would be finished and gone by now, but he was just sitting there—deep in thought with dark, sad eyes. He clung to one of Agron’s old t-shirts in one hand and a suitcase in the other. It was Agron’s shirt from the very first team he ever played on professionally; it was the shirt he was wearing when they met. Nasir wore it the most, it was his favorite shirt.

“Hey,” Agron said softly, making Nasir jump slightly.

“What’s with you and startling me?”Nasir said cheerily though he wiped watery eyes.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…. I thought you would be finished.” Agron said. “…. Not that you have to rush. I just wanted to give you some time.”

“No its fine,” Nasir said quickly and stood up. “I was done.”

“Oh…okay.” Agron said uneasily, feeling awkward. The whole thing was bizarre and uncomfortable, Nasir moving out of their house. _Separating_. It was hard but it would be good for them….hopefully.

“Do you need any help?” he asked.

“Uh, yeah actually… if you could get this big one…” Nasir gestured to the large suitcase lying on the floor next to him.  
Agron lifted it with ease and walked out of the room to the car.

Nasir breathed deeply and took one last look around their bedroom. He missed it so much; he missed Agron so much…. He knew this was a good step, the best thing for them but it was hard. He cursed Chadara for putting the idea into his head in the first place. It would be so much easier to just fuck each other’s brains out…but… easy is not always best.

He shut the door behind him and met Agron in the foyer.

“Is that it?” Agron asked solemnly as he walked back into the house.

Nasir nodded and walked slowly toward the front door but paused just as he neared the threshold. He turned back around to Agron with misty eyes.

He brought his hands together, holding them tightly. He hesitated for another second but then pulled his ring off his finger. “I want to give this you.”

“Nasir…” Agron said in shocked, strained voice as fear overcame him. “I thought we were…”

“Yeah, yeah, we are!” Nasir said quickly realizing what Agron was thinking. “Of course we are…it’s the only thing I want.” He said surely, smiling a bit even though his big eyes were heartrending.

“I’m happy and grateful that you want to try….It’s all I ask. It’s all I can ask. I really regret what I did, regret everything that happened….”

“Me too,” Agron interjected.

“So I want to give this back to you,” Nasir said, placing the platinum band in Agron’s hand, hating it. He hated that they had even gotten to this point, a place where they needed to separate to come back together. “Till it can symbolize us in the present not the past, you know? Strong, unbreakable and….forever.”

Agron had started to tear up too but he nodded.

“I want to earn that back and I want you to give that back to me when you’re ready.” Nasir said.

“No,” Agron said abruptly and dove into his pocket to bring out his ring. He had taken his off weeks ago but he still kept it close. Out of sight because it hurt to look at it but close because he needed to know it was still there. “When **we’re** ready.” He held his ring out to Nasir.

Nasir stared at it for a second, getting a flashback of Agron sweating bullets at a restaurant for two hours the night he proposed.

Nasir took a deep breath and then tried to hand Agron his shirt back. Agron shook his head and pushed his hand aside to envelop him.

Agron’s strong arms encircled Nasir’s body and hugged him desperately. Nasir hands wrapped around Agron’s waist and clung to him. They both inhaled each other.

They stayed that way for a while, a long while, they probably could have stayed that way forever but someone interrupted them.

“If you were gonna have us wait…” Duro complained but then stopped mid-sentence once he saw that Nasir was there and they were having some super emotionally deep moment. “Oh shit, my bad!”

Agron turned and glared at him.

“I’ll just uh…” He pointed in the direction he came.

“It’s okay, Duro” Nasir said, smirking a bit. He couldn’t see Agron’s face but he knew he was probably giving Duro death stares. Duro had a knack for interrupting them at the worst times. “I’m about to leave.”

Agron turned back around to him. “We’ll talk soon?”

“Yeah, of course.”

Agron leaned over and then, ever so surely whispered, “I promise I’ll get back to you.”

He kissed his temple.

They stare each other for a few more extensive moments and then Nasir left their house…. _for now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. I am done, for real this time. Hope it was 'good'! Thank again to everyone!  
> +  
> ++  
> +++  
> ++++  
> I MAY, MAY do a follow piece, MUCH lighter, fluffier, the rebuilding of a relationship. But do not hold me to that. It would require a lot of emotions that I just don't have! ;) So while I'd like to do it, I don't know if I can.


End file.
